Dear Sasha, My girlfriend and I have had sex half a dozen times in the two years we’ve been together. She doesn't experience any sexual pleasure and never has. She’d like to enjoy sex, she just doesn’t. She’s never had an orgasm in her life.
At first I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to introduce her to the wonderful world of the orgasm. Easier said than done. Penetration brings her no pleasure—no problem, I’ll go down on her. Nada. I asked her what she likes done to her and she told me she doesn’t know so I figured it's time for a vibrator which she’s used with some ambivalence and I’ve since used it more than she has. I enjoy receiving head but the one-sidedness gets awkward. Technically, we could have sex, but if there’s no pleasure on her part then there’s none on mine.
My one guess at what might be wrong is her birth control. She’s on Cyclen and has been for 10 years. She won’t go off it because she says her skin breaks out horribly and I’m not going to force her through that. She’s asked her gyno about alternatives and her gyno told her that she couldn’t help her. We don’t have a family doctor, so our alternative is a walk-in clinic and her social anxieties make that a pretty difficult step. I’d imagine she’d warm up to the idea if we had more than a hunch that this might actually help. Is there a non-threatening, welcoming place where she could go and talk to someone about this?
—A Little Sexual Frustration
Dear Little,
If there is even a chance your girlfriend is experiencing a diminished sex drive from her birth control/acne medication (this is indeed a possibility and I refer to it this way because many doctors prescribe the pill for acne) then practical wisdom might suggest using alternate protection and seeing if it presents itself. Dilemma? Like so many people, she’d rather look sexually pleasing than actually feel sexually pleased. It’s a common Catch-22; people will take huge risks to make themselves sexually viable at the expense of their actual sexual health and often their partners don’t help by making it clear they’ll try anything to help ignite their libido except something that may radically change their appearance.
When it comes to our sexuality, we are loath to be brave. We want comfortable solutions that allow us to quietly pursue our desires without extending ourselves too much. And herein lies another Catch-22: the medical and pharmaceutical industries offer many outwardly snug solutions for the timid but are frequently unavailable or ill-equipped to deal with issues that arise when the body reveals its own tirelessly recondite logic and its unpredictable disregard for being manipulated.
The bottom line is, your girlfriend is not going to know why her libido is low unless she makes a determined effort (and even then answers may be elusive). This means talking bluntly to doctors and asking for references for others who will help her if they won’t. It includes visiting naturopaths to explore alternative solutions to her acne if she genuinely feels she can’t live with it. It means understanding that even the best health clinics can be kittle cattle and that one day you might get great help while the next day they’re slammed and you’re rushed through.
You’ll find a location map for Planned Parenthood at www.ppfc.ca/ppfc/find.asp. Psychiatrist Lenore Tiefer is also a favourite speaker of mine on the subject of women and the medicalization of sex. www.fsd-alert.org is her Web site.
hi sashaaaa, luv ur name by the way. i think 2yrs ago, a girl wrote 2u how her boyfriend din't like her big clik. well im all about clik de bigger the better, so i was wondering if u can give this girl my e-mail. plz i haven found a big clik girl 2 eater for over 1 year. thanx love ur side.
—Browndog
Dear Browndog,
I want you to get yourself two books. One is The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex where you will learn the correct terminology for women’s sex organs. The other is The Elements of Style (in fact you can find this little gem online at http://www.bartleby.com/141/) where you will learn how to be a more conscientious letter writer. I can practically guarantee you will have a much easier time becoming intimate with clitorises of all shapes and sizes if you know how to skilfully woo their owners.
Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM |
