THIS WEEK: Fat girls, elderly ladies, men with small hands!

PLUS: The great irony of the large dick!

M About the white power skinheads. They have always been around the Plateau. They used to go to Loonies and then they went to the Bar St-Laurent. They’re all the little RICH FRENCH KIDS who think they’re fucking cool and want to be punk and shit but have no idea what it is to live in the street. They gather together, they act all like SHARPS and skinheads and they give attitude. They’ve always done that. They don’t even like the normal real punks that go and hang out. They always treat them like shit. I guess that’s what it is to be a rich kid. You get to buy the clothes and act all cool and think you’re the shit but you have no touch with reality. Out. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m reading the Rant Line™ as we speak and it’s finally come to me after all this time that, you know, it’s pretty disgusting how people act. Look at it from more of a logical, intellectual point of view—human beings are DISGUSTING! I mean, look at us. If someone from OUTER SPACE were to come here and just look at us, what would they think? People talking about racism, people getting pushed around, fucking loser skinheads, people arguing about music—stupid pointless things in life. Human beings are a virus, a disease on this planet. I can’t believe how primitive you people are and I’m so ashamed to be a human when I see shit like this. Maybe those prophecies are right, maybe the human race deserves to get wiped out after all. At least according to what I’ve been seeing in this newspaper and everywhere else. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, so I’m walking along Côte-des-Neiges and it’s about three o’clock in the morning and some jerk just stopped at the corner and opened his window and chucked some garbage out and drove on. Why are people like this? Like, go to a garbage can, it’s not that big a deal. Christ. [BLEEP!]

M Since we’re trashing the MTC metro people, here’s a good one for you. It’s called the you’re-in-a-hurry-sleight-of-hand rip-off. Next time you go buy a ticket at a metro station, give them $20 and buy one ticket. What’ll happen is you’ll get your ticket back and your loose change and then there’ll be this pregnant pause and if you’re not careful or you’re in a hurry, or if you’re a tourist, you may not get your paper bills back unless you really hang on to it. If that happens to you, get a name and a time and report it because they’re supposed to give you all your money back at the same time they give you your tickets. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M To the girl at McGill who told me this morning that I smell like a HANGOVER. I actually didn’t go drinking last night. You just really embarrassed me when you told me I smelled like a hangover so I had to make up some crazy story even though I hate lying. I have to get this off my conscience. I just didn’t shower for three days. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who said that guys are not turned on by LADIES WITH POWER. That’s not true, man. I mean I’d do HILLARY CLINTON any time just because she has power. I’d even go down on Pauline Marois for that matter. [BLEEP!]

M This goes to the poor woman who thinks that no man can KEEP IT HARD after he cums. Well, you’re wrong. There are lots of us out there. Your problem is that the guys you have been with have penises that are TOO LARGE. The larger the penis is, the harder it is to maintain an erection. That’s just a fact. That’s the great irony of the large dick. That’s why a guy with a really big dick can never stay faithful to a woman—it takes too much effort to maintain an erection for the same woman. Whereas someone with a smaller dick, well, they can get it up longer and more reliably. You just got to make a little shift in your thinking. Think a little smaller. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line. I’ve been meaning to tell you about the time there was this guy and he had, like, really SMALL HANDS and he told me that my use of LUBE was really self-deprecating. And he went down on me once over the course of one month and it felt a lot like a SLUG hanging out between my thighs, a really lazy slug, for, like, two minutes. It was kind of a while ago but it made me mad. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the guy who was wondering if he has a FOOT fetish. The answer is probably—and there’s nothing wrong with that. A fetish is simply when someone has a sexual preference for something specific, like feet, boots, latex, tits, whatever. It doesn’t mean that you’re SICK IN THE HEAD or have some kind of disorder. Foot fetish is actually the most common fetish so, rest assured, you are far from the only man who likes feet. Now if you were to tell me that you needed to have a foot in your mouth in order to have an erection, my answer would be different. This would be considered an obsession and it could be good to seek some consultation. And only because an obsession with anything can lead to unhealthy behaviour. But innocent glimpses at girls’ feet during a bus ride are fine. This information was brought to you by Mistress Feet. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just want to say that I think FAT GIRLS are really sexy. With good CLOTHING, I think they’re a lot more attractive than thin girls. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, hi, everybody, I have a question for you on this Friday morning. Why is it that so many ELDERLY LADIES don’t have any EYEBROWS? [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local muisc scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call (514) 271-RANT (7268).