Dear Sasha, I was recently diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. After a lifetime of fear, isolation and social incomprehension, I am finally in a position to relate to people and get things I want—one of those things is to solve my virginity problem. Thing is, after 34 years of not thinking about it (beyond pornographic wank sessions that have nothing to do with real people), I don't exactly know what I want and truly have no idea how to go about getting it.
I went to sexsearch.com and made some tentative gestures, but I'm totally out of my depth and I'm afraid the more experienced people are going to see right through me. I've been powerless for so long I figure I'd like to be a little dominant, but who wants an inexperienced top? Or maybe I'm psyching myself out. If you could give me some tips on how to present myself, I would kiss your feet. In a totally dominant sort of way.
—Aspie Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Dear Aspie,
Good start. You know how to flirt (sexy) and you have a sense of humour (double sexy). So then, about this lingering cherry of yours. Off the top, your timing, culturally speaking, couldn’t be better. Thanks to a spate of movies sexualizing geeks, social misfits and virgins, most of us know romantic inexperience and a bad haircut are no longer the kiss of death. And after all, if practice truly made perfect I wouldn’t have a column, would I? We’re all floundering, even those of us who have been at it for years. Personally, I learn something new almost every week that I write it.
You can certainly be taught to handle a whip by checking out the local fetish workshops and parties in your area and I’ll bet you the admission fee you’re not the only one with some variety of Asperger’s in attendance; it takes a special kind of brain to be preoccupied with intricate practices like Japanese rope bondage. Don’t be so anxious about your newbie status online, either. People who seem terse or hardcore are often simply role-playing. You’d be surprised at how sweet SM aficionados are and how keen they can be to help a newcomer in their midst.
Dear Sasha, I've found myself in a very unoriginal but nonetheless pressing situation. I'm dating a great guy, he is one in a million, it’s getting very serious and I know I am lucky to have him. His small penis, however, is a big problem. I don't think he will agree to have it surgically enlarged. I'm at my wits end about being with a dream guy who cannot fuck the daylights out of me to save his life, and at least once in a while I need that.
—Dilemma
Dear Dilemma,
The real issue here is not that you are dating a great guy with a small dick but that this great guy with a small dick is dating someone who says things like “I don’t think he’ll agree to get it surgically enlarged” so flippantly. This crass remark alone was enough for me to lift the size moratorium I imposed here a couple of years ago.
I get that dick size is important to some people and that’s fine, but it’s a pretty random genetic thing just like being thin or brunette or freckled. So if random genetic things are important to you, you should be staunchly prepared to address them in practical ways. One is to take responsibility for your needs and make it clear from the outset that a big dick is vital to you. Worried that this will make you seem shallow? Well, if it’s any consolation, it used to drive me nuts when I was online dating and people would say weight wasn’t an issue for them when it clearly was. Just say “no fatties,” or in your case, “big dick please” on your profile and quit wasting everyone’s time.
You can also choose to stop seeing the dick as the only item available to roger you rigid. Have the man fist you. That’ll fuck the daylights out of you so hard you’ll feel like you’re in Finland in the winter. Get a big fat dildo and have a go at that. Afraid to hurt his feelings? Now or later, honey. It’s up to you because it’s one thing to know you’re lucky, and it’s another thing altogether to feel and act like you are.
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