THIS WEEK: Big Skunk, dead squirrel,
Mr. Hands!

PLUS: Turduckin!!

M I’m calling about that bitch who said the Sex Pistols suck. The Sex Pistols are awesome, tabarnac! [BLEEP!]

M This message is for Big Skunk from TORONTO who was complaining about Montreal. Before you left your rant, you should’ve went back to high school—you can’t even speak proper English, you uneducated fuck. You’re just some wannabe rapper with a crap name who’s pissed because he played a shit show and nobody gave a fuck. You obviously don’t get out much if you think the city’s shit. Pack your bags and get out, you steaming pile of horseshit. Man, fuck Toronto. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to that piece of shit from Toronto. First of all, you’re from Canada. You’re an English-speaking anglo from Canada, learn how to speak. Second of all, the reason why people hate Toronto is because of YOU and people like you. And third of all, what punk clubs? What hip hop clubs? What are you talking about? People in clubs in Montreal are just having a good time, no matter what genre of club it is. It’s not like Toronto, where everybody stands there and acts like an asshole. [BLEEP!]

F Hi this is for Big Skunk 416. We just want you to know that there are more of us out here in Montreal and we completely agree with you. You’re not the only one, you’re not alone. See you later. [BLEEP!]

F This is a response to the Korova arcader. I saw you last week and I actually did think you were MASTURBATING. I though it was me who got you all worked up. Anyway, I’m kind of disappointed because I’ve been masturbating all week thinking about you doing that. And I’d just love it if we did hook up and then we could name our first born child ARKANOID. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Rant Line™. I’m a clerk at a store near Crescent street. What I’d like to bitch about are those AMERICAN TOURISTS who stop to compliment us on our English, like you praise a child for using a toilet. Hey, hicks, maybe not everyone in Montreal speaks French as a first language. We’re a diversified city and that’s been publicized the world over. They come here and treat us like the natives from some made-up country in a Donald Duck cartoon. Does anyone else notice this trend? Crescent street clerk out. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, just calling to say how awesome the people at the St-Viateur butcher on Beaubien were. They helped me make the birds for my TURDUCKIN and it turned out amazing. [BLEEP!]

M All right. You know that goddamn DEAD SQUIRREL at Place-des-Arts? You know the one I’m talking about, it’s always fucking CRUCIFIED down there. I’m trying to figure out what the hell is going on here. One time I picked it up, put it on the end of a stick and I kind of like took it around with me for a bit but then, next time I came back there, a few weeks later, it was there again. Or there was another one there. I’m trying to figure out who puts that squirrel there. It’s really bizarre, man, it’s freaking me out. Does anyone know where it came from? Thank you. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

M I’d just like to thank buses in this city for not stopping at bus stops. Thank you. Oh, and also for charging exorbitant amounts of money to ride buses when you can catch them. Thank you. Keep up the good work. [BLEEP!]

F Attention everyone who goes to my gym. I know you resolved to LOSE WEIGHT because of new year’s but let’s all just be realistic. Stop using all the machines that I want to use and stop taking up all the space. You weren’t there last week and you are not going to be there next week. Go away. [BLEEP!]

F Hey Montreal. Hey all of you SEX MONSTERS and city slickers out there. I’m just phoning because I am delighted. I was looking at the Rant Line™ today and someone talked about 2 Girls 1 Cup. And this is just perfect because I only recently discovered and watched this clip for myself and it was quite the topic of discussion among my friends. Nobody would shut up about it but I didn’t get really psyched to watch it until I had watched people filming the reactions to it on YouTube. And after watching people screaming and gagging and sometimes even bursting into tears, you know, I just couldn’t help but think this is the most horrific thing in the world. It must be like that video from that movie The Ring, you know, where you watch it and you die. And then I finally got to see it. People, I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s like comedy. It’s eating shit and eating vomit and the girls are fucking ugly and it’s just so funny. And, then, of course, I couldn’t help but watch 4 Girls Fingerpaint and 2 Girls 1 Finger—there’s a whole series. And I’ve been exploring many dark, deep realms of Internet, my friends. I’ve watched the MR. HANDS video. Are you familiar with Mr. Hands? It’s a true story. He got fucked by a horse, it was bestiality, and he died. It penetrated his colon and he died. And the video, oh my God, a horse’s dick is like a python, okay? And the BME Pain Olympics. Guys chopping off their dicks. Excellent stuff. And you know what? One last thing before I go. I know it’s kind of long and I hope you print this, Rant Line™. I have a way for the Sid Vicious Girl and for the Richard Hell Girl to resolve their dilemma. They have to make an Internet video, like Obama Girl vs. Giuliani Girl. It has to be, like, a music video. Somebody has to write a jingle. And they have to wear booty shorts. Booty shorts. [BLEEP!]

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