Bowels be free

>> Hydrotherapist says a good colonic
gives you that clean, energetic feeling

by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Lucie Courchesne

Age: 44

Occupation: Naturopath/hydrotherapist

Bio: This sympathetic NDG gal was not only suffering from irritable bowel syndrome but hadn’t taken a dump in days when she first came across the joy that is hydrotherapy—a sometimes disputed naturopathic process also known as a colonic, where water is shot up one’s hole for the alleged purpose of cleansing and detoxifying the shit chute, simultaneously emptying all the, ahem, crap out of one’s butt system. Thrilled by the results of her colonic, the then-physiotherapist started reading everything she could on the subject whilst training in hydrotherapy at the same Ahuntsic clinic that had so mercifully unclogged her. Now happily sucking shit out of people from her own clinic the past 15 years, Lucie, who also teaches hydrotherapy to small groups of students, says, “When I opened, I wanted to be among the best colonic therapists in town, and I’ve worked very hard to be just that.” To get your own ass blasted at her NDG locale, call (514) 935-7500.

Why you want Lucie working your rump: “For the great feeling you get afterwards because you release so many toxins with a colonic. Also, it trains this organ to work better so you maximize your evacuations, having better bowel movements, which makes you more energetic, with better focus. And it helps all the organs around the colon too; the uterus, ovaries, prostates, kidneys, the liver, pancreas. It helps the digestive system a lot.”

How to get yourself a bargain colonic: Offer up your hole in one of Lucie’s classes and have a student blast the shit out of you for free.

Are customers ever remotely shy about lying ass-up on their backs while surrendering control of their bowels to a stranger in a room full of gawking students? “Not the ones who volunteer for the classes, they’re not shy at all. Most first-time customers are shy at first, which is why we always do an interview before the session, so they can feel more comfortable as they get to know me. And once people get on the table, they usually go, ‘Oh, that’s not so bad,’ because it’s a gentle procedure, and I like to go slowly.”

Does she suspect any customers might be getting off sexually on having her work their shitters for them? “No, I haven’t come across anyone like this so far. I don’t see how a person could get much sexual excitement from a colonic.”

How often she gets shit all over herself: “Rarely.”

Can she step into the foulest construction site Port-a-potty and not be bothered in the slightest by the stench of fresh caca? “It’s true, you have to be built a little for this work. Those who can’t stand any odours, well, no, this isn’t really for them. But it’s pretty much the same as what nurses do. And it’s not like it always smells so bad either, you know.”

Something she’s seeing far more of these days: Young male buttholes. “Even five years ago, most of my customers were women in their 40s. But it’s changed, the new generation is far more into prevention—and naturopathy is all about prevention.”

Last book read: Le bain dérivatif, by France Guillain.

Musical preferences: Kenny G, Pat Metheny.

Words of wisdom: “All disease starts in your colon.”

Comments: dimwit@hdot.net