Unlucky ’07

>> Test your knowledge of this year in
international politics, sleaze and crime with the Mirror’s annual current events quiz!

by SCOTT SAXON

1. According to Bob Allen’s own rate card, what could you have expected to pay in 2007, in U.S. funds, to be fellated by a Republican state senator?

A) $20
B) $50
C) $100
D) $500
E) $50,000, and he’ll look the other way while you rape the land.

Answer: A. Leave the all-expenses-paid vacations, private jet travel and million-dollar tithes to Big Pharma. If it’s some good old-fashioned cocksucking you’re after, Allen set his price at a reasonable $20. Unfortunately, his Titusville, Florida, public washroom offer was made to an undercover cop, and the only thing to go down was Allen’s political career. Allen, at the time the Florida co-chair of John McCain’s presidential pursuits, and who historically got behind all the anti-homosexual legislation that came his way, blamed his indiscretion on a fear of black people.

2. After a year of waiting, a U.K. High Court rendered its decision in a case taken against Zambia. From whom had the impoverished nation been forced to defend itself?

A) Christian missionaries accusing Zambia’s government of blocking their attempts to spread the gospel
B) Debt collectors hoping to turn an enormous profit at Zambia’s expense
C) Human rights activists weary of repeated abuses by Zambian police
D) Pharmaceutical companies hoping to use Zambians as guinea pigs for new HIV/AIDS drugs
E) Themselves

Answer: B. In the case that brought the seedy practice of aptly named vulture funds out of its dark hiding place, Donegal International, a British Virgin Islands subsidiary of the Washington-based Debt Advisory International, sued Zambia for $55-millon for defaulting on its debts. Originally owed to Romania, Donegal bought the debt for $3.3-million, 11 per cent of its actual amount, just as Romania and Zambia were about to sign a settlement on it. While wholly legal, vulture funds—which see monied firms buying up bad debts just as they’re about to be written off, then putting the screws to the indebted nations—are seen as nonetheless reprehensible by those concerned more for the welfare of already beleaguered nations. Explaining that he was bound to rule on matters of law rather than morality, Justice Andrew Smith awarded just over $15-million to Donegal, which he derided as being evasive and dishonest. In an online explanation from their point-of-view, Donegal International bemoans having spent “substantial sums in travel and consulting fees,” monies it hopes to retrieve from the nation where 80 per cent of the population lives on $1 a day.

3. Realizing he couldn’t actually resolve climate change dangers with fraudulent science and denial, George W. Bush offered some more concrete solutions. Which of the following were not among them?

A) Blocking out the sun
B) Capping greenhouse gas emissions
C) Sending a giant mirror into space to reflect the sun’s rays
D) Holding a series of conferences to see what other countries can do
E) Run away

Answer: B. Proving that there was no issue on which he couldn’t embarrass the American people, the Bush White House begrudgingly, sorta half-agreed that climate change might be cause for concern, and then proceeded to look as ridiculous as always. With ideas for a giant parasol to be erected, or to release “thousands of tiny, shiny balloons” into the atmosphere, according to the Guardian, quickly dismissed by the educated scientific community, Bush maintained his refusal to have his beloved and beleaguered greenhouse gas-emitting corporations reign in their waste. Eventually, he held a conference at which he announced he’d like to hold another conference next year. Based on Bush’s presidential timeline, that would keep things going long enough for him to clear his crap out of the Oval Office and flee the debate.

4. The International Criminal Court announced it would be seeking arrest warrants against two Sudanese suspected of committing atrocities and war crimes for the Janjaweed-led bloodbaths in Darfur. One of the accused was Sudanese minister Ahmad Haroun. Dismissing the ICC, Sudan said it would take care of punishing its criminals in-house. How was Haroun dealt with?

A) He was named lead investigator into human rights abuses at Darfur refugee camps
B) He was beheaded
C) He was tried and fined the equivalent of $500 CDN
D) He was acquitted
E) He was made chief negotiator between the state and international oil companies hoping to take advantage of the country’s resources.

Answer: A. Although Haroun offered empty words about being ready and willing to prove himself in front of an international court should his own government ask him to, he knew them well enough to be certain that would never be the case. Quickly pulling its toe out of the fleetingly-tested waters of the 21st century, the Sudanese government rebuffed the ICC’s announcement with bitter hostility, while their Minister of the Interior threatened that anyone found cooperating with the ICC would be beheaded. Thumbing their noses at the ICC, they dismissed all allegations of Haroun’s dark side and put him in charge of the wellbeing of some two million refugees who, not surprisingly, are continually the victims of ongoing rebel attacks. In December, ICC prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo told the UN he would be opening investigations into those attacks, as well as the attacks on peacekeepers and humanitarian workers. The Sudanese ambassador to the UN countered that Moreno-Ocampo was just trying to “make life miserable for the peace process.”

5. While the U.S. and Israel tried to convince everyone that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the new Hitler, the fancy-footed Ahmadinejad travelled the globe offering warm embraces. Whom did he not hug in 2007?

A) Vladimir Putin
B) A rabbi
C) Hugo Chavez
D) A homosexual
E) The son of a martyr
F) He hugged them all

Answer: F. In a road trip that all but had “Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” as its theme tune, Ahmadinejad made the rounds looking for increasingly difficult to find allies to stand by him while Bush and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert beat the war drums. During an autumn visit to New York, the Iranian president met with the sort of protests and animosity most countries normally reserve for Bush, but he still found time to chest-bump some anti-Zionist rabbis. Then it was off to Venezuela, where Ahmadinejad met his old pal, Hugo Chavez. The two solidified their vows to rage against U.S. imperialism before Ahmadinejad took off to Russia for a taste of Putin’s well-toned meat-hooks. Sina Saremi was the martyr’s son, his father having been killed by the Taliban during their 1998 seizure of the Iranian consulate. The homosexual? Come on. Something’s up with Chavez.

6. While Black Hawk helicopters and Apache gunships circled above them, dozens of heavily armed U.S. military personnel escorted John McCain and Indiana State Rep Mike Pence as they toured a market in Baghdad. How would Pence later describe the experience?

A) “It was an eye-opening endeavour that brought to light just how deeply we’ve failed these people.”
B) “It wasn’t quite the Iraq I’d been hoping for.”
C) “Like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime.”
D) “Pretty much what the President had told us it would be like.”
E) “A torpid desolation row, where one could smell the resentment and anti-Americanism taking root in the sands.”

Answer: C. Apparently the pie-eating contests at the Indiana markets Pence likes to frequent can get a little out of hand. Surrounded by enough firepower to punch a hole in the devil’s ass, Pence claimed he’d met “some of the warmest and most welcoming people.” McCain declared their visit proof that anyone can “walk freely” through some areas of Iraq, and suggested Americans simply weren’t being told the “good news” about Bush’s invasion. While the two took their Baghdad stroll, six American soldiers were killed in roadside bombings just a short Humvee’s drive away.

7. In what a spokesperson described as a move that “could only strengthen” CIA effectiveness, Central Intelligence Director General Michael V. Hayden ordered an investigation into what worrisome agency issue?

A) Its “extraordinary rendition” program’s violation of international law
B) The practice of destroying videotaped interrogations of accused al-Qaeda operatives
C) The agency’s continued use of torture
D) The agency’s own Inspector General
E) The president’s right to order surveillance on American citizens without a warrant

Answer: D. Rather than trouble himself with the questionable legalities of the CIA’s activities in 2007, Hayden instead focused his attentions on his real problem: John L. Helgerson. The independent Helgerson had long been a thorn in the agency’s side, what with his condemnation of CIA interrogation practices and suggestions that the agency dropped the ball on preventing 9/11. While Hayden’s camp insisted the investigation was “a straightforward management review,” both Republicans and Democrats expressed a deep concern for what they believed was a vindictive attempt at intimidation. “People who know they’re doing the right thing,” said Democratic Oregon Senator Ron Wyden, “are not afraid of oversight.”

8. In September, the newly formed lobby group Freedom’s Watch announced it was setting a November 2008 deadline to raise $200-million. To the benefit of what cause were they striving to amass the funds?

A) To help Exxon Mobil sell their report that the polar bear population is doing just fine and doesn’t need to be protected from oil barons
B) To help Merck get laws passed making its new HPV vaccine mandatory
C) To sell the war on Iran
D) To plant Rudy Giuliani’s evil ass in the Oval Office
E) None of the above

Answer: C. Assumed by its critics to be a front group for neo-con policy, Freedom’s Watch was spawned at an early 2007 meeting of the Republican Jewish Coalition at which Dick Cheney was a keynote speaker. Hoping to play itself as a conservative alternate to MoveOn.org, Freedom’s Watch hit the ground running with a full campaign in support of Bush’s troop surge, then moved on to its next bit of business: trying to dupe America into believing Iran posed an immediate and dire threat to the U.S.

9. Which of the following statements was not uttered by a U.S. Republican at some point in 2007?

A) “I’m earning money. You know, that’s sort of part of the Jewish tradition and I do not find anything wrong with that.”
B) “I think it’s probably possible to be a conservative without appearing to be an idiot.”
C) “If we had those 40 million children that were killed over the last 30 years, we wouldn’t need illegal immigrants to fill the jobs they’re doing today.”
D) “Love between a man and a man is beautiful too.”
E) “The Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.”

Answer: D. Despite it becoming more and more apparent throughout 2007 that the Republican party is all “Mmmm-yeah” with man-love, the quote in question here is attributed to former Alaska Democratic senator and current presidential contender Mike Gravel on the issue of gay marriage. Former Wisconsin governor and presidential drop-out Tommy Thompson (answer A) kept the money-mad Jew stereotype alive during a talk to the Religious Action Center for Reform Judaism, while Maryland rep Roscoe Bartlett (answer B) stated his yet-to-be-proven claim at a hearing on global warming. Former House Speaker Tom DeLay’s views on abortion (answer C) bears all the hallmarks of Republican oddness and should have been easily spotted, as should have Bush’s absurd view (answer E) on the mess he’s made of Iraq.

10. With hope in their hearts and fingers crossed behind their backs, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas joined American President George W. Bush in Annapolis, Maryland in late November. The two feuding Middle East neighbours talked peace while Bush tried to coax a glimmer of light in through the filth-smeared rear window of his presidency. With Palestine and Israel agreeing to find terms for brotherly love by the end of 2008, the U.S. put a primary summary down on paper to present to the UN Security Council. At the last minute, the proposed resolution was withdrawn. Who pulled its plug and why?

A) The U.S., because it didn’t aptly beatify King George
B) A contingency of Arab states, because they don’t trust the U.S.
C) Palestine, because they don’t trust the Zionist regime
D) Israel, because they don’t trust the UN
E) Russia, because they get a kick out of showing up the Americans

Answer: D. Although warmly received by pretty much every member of the Security Council, and taken by the Palestinians as a sign of American seriousness toward the success of Annapolis, Israel felt the UN was “not the proper venue” for achieving peace. The U.S. State Department quickly declared a resolution unnecessary, which worked well for Olmert, who got home and told his cabinet there was in fact “no commitment for a firm timetable” on the completion of a peace deal. As if his own integrity wasn’t enough to keep the guns blazing, Olmert’s top ally in the cabinet, Strategic Affairs Minister Avigdor Lieberman, announced that his party would do all they could “to make sure that nothing comes out of the Annapolis process.” So much for peace on Earth and good will to all mankind.