Warm,
cuddly mercs

With the mountain of alleged crimes ranging from tax evasion and obstruction of justice to rape and murder, Blackwater USA knew they had to do something to make sure they didn’t lose their ground in the market of unrestricted, government-condoned thuggery. So they went for a re-invention. Welcome to Blackwater Worldwide: the friendly face of rampaging carnage.

Turning to PR to help bury their sins, Blackwater has revamped their image with a new name, new logo, new Web site and new euphemisms for what they do. No longer the go-to guys for those seeking mercenaries, Blackwater instead now offers “global stabilization professionals” who just happen to have full-auto assault weapons. They’re sponsoring NASCAR and showing up, by parachute, to major sporting events. Their online gift shop offers, along with tactical gear and weapons, cute little Blackwater onesies and stuffed bears.

Blackwater Worldwide will also be lending their name to a special edition handgun, and are developing a street-legal armoured vehicle, presumably geared toward buyers who feel their Hummers still made their dicks look small.

by Scott Saxon