THIS WEEK: Ghoulunatics, Atwater Park,
cupcakes, saliva!

PLUS: Working man will go without wool socks
this winter thanks to welfare!!

M Hi there. I just got a message on MySpace saying that THE GHOULUNATICS are splitting and I just want to say it sucks. The Ghouls are probably the best band ever to come out of Montreal and never got any recognition outside the province. It just sucks when you see a lot of shit going on in the metal community but this band never making it big. So I hope the best for the guys in the Ghouls on their future projects after the ones you have already booked. So peace, Ghouls, rest in peace. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the chick talking about Sid Vicious. I’m totally with you—I too would’ve fucked him in a second. But probably the reason the whole JUNKIE ROCK STAR thing went out is because people noticed that it, you know, caused you to DIE. But you’re right about the pussy rock stars of today. They really need to stop dating teen pop stars. It’s bad. Somewhere along the line they forgot what punk meant. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to all the people bitching about Jerk Appeal and Manic Manon. Man, you guys are whack. Try driving from San Francisco to Chicago in one shot. Jonah from And the Saga Continues used to do that with my old band All the Answers. You try that and then start calling people pussies. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for all people passing through ATWATER PARK at night. The other night my girlfriend and I almost got knifed by some asshole with a box-cutter. He wears a Boston Celtics jacket and he’s got an IRISH FLAG tattooed on his neck. I just thought I’d warn everybody. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. Hi. This is the CELTIC GOD OF LOVE, Dwyn. I’m responding to the guy who says that Facebook is on its way out, to which I agree it is. But what’s next? The new site is www.23andme.com, where all your secret Morse codes are solved. You submit your DNA through the mail by SALIVA SAMPLES and in no time at all you’ve got yourself a home page dedicated to your results along with information on your ancestry, inherited personal traits, potential disease risks and things you have in common with others on the database. Come on, folks, do not sit in the days of Auld Lang Syne, take the next step. How far can you leap? [BLEEP!]

F What’s up? This message is for the two roommates who were HUNGRY for cupcakes, muffins and brownies. You need to talk to my homegirl, Sandy. She knows what’s good and she’s a very nice woman. Call any day of the week at [leaves phone number] until about 9 p.m. Don’t waste her time and don’t mess with her or else you’ll answer to me, Shaniqua, and I’ll make your lives a living hell. Respect. Understand? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is about the two girls who claim they need pot for pot brownies or cupcakes. Well, from what I heard, you guys work for the COPS and you just got three people arrested last week. I know you’re just posing as roommates who just make cakes with pot. So people out there be careful of these two scumbags because they’re pigs in, I guess, young girls’ UNIFORMS. [BLEEP!]

F This is for Dumb Fuck who thinks that you justify racism with more racism. No, dumb fuck. If someone feels stigmatized, you don’t stigmatize them further by saying, “Well, all you have to do is get a job and stop pimping people.” Dumb fuck, I’m pretty sure anyone who feels victimized by racism isn’t pimping people or dressing like a dumbass. People who feel stigmatized are trying to make their own way in life just like everybody else and just want the same treatment. I’m black. I don’t have a pimp, a ho, a crack ring, a DRUG DEN, any of the above. I have a job. I’m well-dressed. I look like everyone else but my hair’s in dreads. Seriously, dumb fuck, fuck off, dumbly. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve got a little problem here and it all starts with welfare. You see, I was on welfare for two years and, well, I was sick and tired of that shit so I went to work at an agency. Then my welfare agent tells me that I can get a $500 return-to-work bonus. I’m, like, cool, I can get myself some work boots, some more jeans, maybe some WOOL SOCKS to keep me warm this winter. Hell, maybe even some Christmas gifts. I apply for it. A week later I get a fucking letter telling me I can’t get it because there’s no guarantee I’m going to be working at this agency for the next 14 weeks. Who the fuck gives a shit where I’m working?! All you need to know is that I am working and that I don’t intend on returning to welfare! I even told them to cancel my fucking cheque. So now I’ve got nothing, nothing but the fucking money I’m making at the agency which is $100 a week which means I’m making less money working than on welfare! It’s bullshit. What the fuck is wrong with this world, man? Bus drivers are making $48,000 dollars a year and they’re still bitching and want to go on strike. They can suck my fucking cock! Fucking bus-driving spoiled bitches and now they fucking want to put up the price? Son of a bitch! It’s already costing me $5.50 to go to fucking work and back. What the hell is that? Public transit is a necessity not a luxury and it shouldn’t be treated thusly. What the fuck, man? Am I the only one who’s outraged by this? Please, people, get back to me. Tell me I’m not the only one that’s angry about this. Tell me I’m not the only one that wants CHANGE. Fuck. [BLEEP!]

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