It’s beginning to look
a lot like Kitschmas

>> Tacky and loony gifts for
the pagan in your life

by MATTHEW HAYS

Getting ordinary gifts is just so blasé and meaningless. This season, these are the top tips for getting that perfectly outrageous present for the loved one in your life.

For the religion scholar, Quirk Books’ new reference book, This Saint’s for You! 300 Heavenly Allies for Architects, Athletes, Brides, Bachelors, Babies, Librarians, Murderers, Whales, Widows and You ($19.95) features a handy guide to the patron saint designed for your needs. Author Thomas J. Craughwell—an authority on saints and sainthood—offers up an amusing overview of all things saintly, and not only is this a fun read (with beautiful illustrations), it’s also a little weird to see just how many saints there actually are.

Those intrigued by communist graphic design will love Lincoln Cushing and Ann Tompkins’ new book, Chinese Posters: Art From the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution (Chronicle Books, $19.95). This beautiful ode to red propaganda features over 150 colourful posters informing the masses of the benefits of Mao’s great social and economic upheaval. Arguably one of the most important books of the year, however, is How to Yodel: Lessons to Tickle Your Tonsils (Gibbs Smith Books, $9.95), a choice befitting the aspiring singer (or the neighbour of people you hate). Penned by international yodel expert Wylie Gustafson, the how-to book includes a companion CD.

In a slightly less esoteric vein, Lebowskiphiles can rejoice, as several diehard fans of the Coen Brothers movie The Big Lebowski have penned I’m a Lebowski, You’re a Lebowski: Life, The Big Lebowski and What Have You (Bloomsbury, $19.95). With a foreword by Jeff Bridges, this volume includes philosophical riffs on the landmark 1998 film and also tracks down the real people who inspired the characters.

Being Montrealers, many of you will no doubt have found yourself so inebriated that you’ve mistaken a beer bottle for a phone. Now this drunken error can become reality,

with a Budweiser beer bottle phone (a true bargain at $21.90). These sell at Novo Collections (3779 St-Laurent), and they also have Coca-Cola phones for those more partial to caffeine. The best stunt novelty phone idea since the ’80s, when they had the good sense to make Lego phones.

Just up the street at Pop Shop (4081 St-Laurent), there are numerous vintage editions of Playboy magazine. The images of retro porn are often hilarious—while resiliently erotic—and indeed, the articles themselves are actually worth reading (prices vary, they average at $15). But one-upping that is the possibility of 3-D porn. Yes, you read right: authors David L. Chapman and Thomas Waugh have compiled the work of ’50s gay porn photographer Denny Denfield (who was moonlighting from his day job as an accountant for the U.S. army). Here, his full-colour, sexually explicit 3-D pics are brought together in Comin’ At Ya!: The Homoerotic 3-D Photographs of Denny Denfield (Arsenal Pulp, $31.95). Pictures will provide hours of viewing pleasure; book is equipped with 3-D glasses (but no Kleenex). A truly exhilarating, titillating and hilarious trip down naughty-memory lane, and sheer fun to boot.

Nostalgia of a more puritanical kind can be found in The Official Nancy Drew Handbook (Quirk Books, $16.95), in which author Penny Warner feeds any aspiring girl detectives (and I count myself in that number) juicy tips on how to locate secret passageways, tell good guys from bad, thwart kidnappings before they go too far, write “SOS” backwards with your lipstick and—last but not least—how to tap a Morse Code message with your high-heeled shoe. Indeed, these are crucial life lessons.

At Urban Outfitters (1250 Ste-Catherine W.), you can move beyond standard holiday-card banality and greet people the right way, with Christmas cards featuring nostalgic TV imagery. There are box sets of cards with stills from How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) and the stop-animation Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) ($14 for a set of 20 cards). Both of these specials play annually, making the cards instantly recognizable for people of any generation. And after all, in this celebratory season, it’s important to remember where the true spirit of Christmas really comes from: television.