THIS WEEK: Breakcore, Sebachoux, Sid!

PLUS: Facebook no longer cool!!

M This is an open call to all club and bar owners. I want to start a BREAKCORE night because nobody plays this shit in Montreal, or at least not in legal, easily accessible places. The night would also include jungle, hardcore techno and maybe dubstep. And the only way it’s going to work is if it’s on a Friday, because if you remember Junglish Fridays at Blue Dog, that worked for six years. If you want all the breakcore and jungle enthusiasts to come out of their homes, you need all the best conditions. We also need a decent sound system. So if you’re a bar owner, if you’re interested, email me at djinyourface@gmail.com. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this rant is for Sebachoux from Manic Manon. I just want to go over this for a second. You’re a 40-year old crackhead who badly imitates KEITH MOON and you’re ranting about Trigger Effect, a great, young, hard-working band that has nothing but respect for the scene. And you have a new album coming out? Wow, I can hardly wait. You’re the coolest. [BLEEP!]

M This is Colin, the singer of Road Bones, and this rant goes out to Sebachoux. First of all, it wasn’t an American Apparel commercial, you fucking idiot. It was a STUNT to promote the tour. Second, Trigger Effect are, by far, one of the best punk bands in the city. Are you jealous? Third, he imitates your drum style. Your drum style?! Like you invented it or something?! And fourth, you guys have been around so long, my grandmother knows who you are and you still haven’t done shit. So, Trigger Effect, you guys keep on rocking and I’ll wait around for the shitty new album from Manic Manon and the Guestlist. A guest list with nobody on it. [BLEEP!]

M You know something? Seb from Manic Manon is so right. Manic Manon seem the real deal, the whole crew. Yeah, give them some support, man, because they are very cool and they probably have one of the best ENGINEERS behind them. Ciao Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Montreal. I’d just like to take this opportunity to talk about my most recent adventure on the Internet. I was bored and I was browsing on YouTube and I was watching mainly music-related stuff like Gallows and Alice in Chains and whatever and anyway I ended up looking up stuff by the Sex Pistols and then I was watching “My Way,” the SID VICIOUS version and I was just fucking mesmerized. That guy was fucking gorgeous, okay. I couldn’t understand a word he was singing but that’s besides the point. He just made being a junkie look good—he was an unbelievably hot guy and like most hot guys, he’s DEAD. It really depresses me because who are we girls supposed to lust after when it comes to bands these days? Like Pete Wentz is such an ugly fucker—he just has to take off the eyeliner and stop ironing his hair. Only 11-year old emos like Pete Wentz. I miss sexy guys making good loud angry music, and there’s not nearly enough of that anymore and I’m sure Montreal would agree with me. And all the bands are too pretty and everything you hear on the radio these days is for pussies, and rock is dead, people, and Sid Vicious is dead and goddamn I would have had sex with that limey piece of trash in a second. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the douchebag who says that BLACK MEN should dress less thuggish and get an education and a job so we can get respect. I’m a black man. I dress nice. I don’t wear thuggish shit and I do work. I still don’t get respect. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M First of all, you don’t have to be walking like a hoodlum or wearing a hoodie to be stigmatized as a black man. It’s a fact. Black men are the number one stereotype and discriminated against people on the planet. It doesn’t matter what we wear, how we look, what we do, it’s there, okay? And we don’t need respect from a dumbass honky little TWINKY-DINK pussy like you. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the woman who was ranting about Ayn Rand. I’ll be your Howard Roark if you’ll be my DAGNY TAGGART. Why don’t you e-mail me at rossetta99@gmail.com? [BLEEP!]

F We really need pot and me and my roommate don’t know where the dealers are. And all I want is some pot brownies or cake or cupcakes or muffins or just something. We really, really need pot and bye. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, hi, I just want to know something. What is the deal with women middle-aged or older who cut their hair like BORIS YELTSIN or who get poodle perms or brushcuts or who tease it à la Peg Bundy from Married With Children? Why can’t they let their hair be loose and natural looking instead of looking like men? And ugly ones, I might add. [BLEEP!]

M Hey cherry cakes, this is just a little something to let the hipsters know that Facebook is on its way OUT. I’ve always been the kind of guy who jumps on the bandwagon when it’s about to become a train wreck and when I joined MySpace not long ago, it completely vanished. And now I’m about to join Facebook, people, so I’m just letting you know—move onto something else! Something else is going to be hotter. That’s my two cents of advice. [BLEEP!]

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