White line fever

by JOHNSON CUMMINS

I’m tapping this little missive out on my laptop while on tour with my band Bionic, barrelling down Highway 1 towards Regina, struggling to make our soundcheck on time. The local classic rock station is beaming in a little taste of home by playing Priestess and well, life is fucking good.

Touring can be the tits and it can also be a trying affair, enough to make a grown man cry. I have lost count of how many times I have “barrelled” down Highway 1, but it’s safe to say I have learned quite a bit since my first “mustard sandwich” tour 20 years ago. There are probably more young Montreal bands hitting the road now than ever before, but sadly, there are also quite a few young bands that remain landlocked, so I thought this week I would hoist you up on ol’ Johnson’s lap and learn ya on the ways of the road.

If you’re planning on entering the States illegally for a tour, you should be aware of the risks involved. A lot of bands do make it across the border with a vanload of equipment under the guise of being tourists, but if you’re caught, you won’t be allowed over the border again for five years. Know this: you WILL get pulled over by U.S. border guards, they WILL Google your band name as well as your individual names, and if they find any shows featuring your band stateside, you WILL be banned from playing the U.S. (ask Bloodshot Bill). If you do insist on trying your hand at crossing the border and can’t afford the expensive P2 work permit, make sure there are no dates on your MySpace page, label Web site etc., and make sure all promoters have no ads whatsoever in weeklies or on blogs the day you cross the border. The cost for P2 permits is probably not in most bands’ budgets, so I’ll concentrate on cross-Canadian touring for the next couple of columns.

Okay, you’ve played the local haunts to death, recorded the next Polaris Prize winner, started up your own record label, nailed down distribution—so now what?

Transportation should be your biggest concern. If you don’t have a van, you are only half the band you think you are. Renting is simply not an option if you plan on really touring to promote your record, and want to avoid returning from tour massively in debt. Breaking down in the Rockies in subzero temperatures will reduce the most callous to tears, and bands routinely break up over busted transmissions and sagging suspension, so have your van inspected by a mechanic before you plunk down the sawbucks. If you take anything from my ramblings here, remember: do not rent—ever! Just ask Priestess. Also, make sure you have enough room for your equipment and adequate sleeping space as you will be doing some overnight driving on a Canadian tour, and the more you can sleep in the van, the more you can save money on motels. Expect to sleep in your van quite a bit because in places like Winnipeg and Vancouver, you stand a good chance of getting your gear ripped off.

Next Week: Booking, avoiding getting ripped
off, door deals, promotion and the real work.
Jonathan.cummins@gmail.com