My man wants
to be a stripper!

Dear Sasha, My fiancé of three years wants to become a male stripper. At first, I never really took him seriously but the last time we spoke about it, I realized that this is something he really wants to pursue. 

I don’t want to date a stripper. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with strippers (my best friend is one), it’s just not something I want to be around or see my fiancé do, especially not dancing for other males. I can’t stand the thought, it disgusts me thinking of him bending over with his ass in some guy’s face and waving his dick around for guys to gawk at him. I asked him if he was doing it because he wants to explore sexually—we are definitely not a couple of prudes—and he said in no way does he want to explore other males, he just wants the fast cash and figured dancing for males would be easier for us to handle.

For me, it takes away all his masculinity and I find myself having a hard time wanting to have sex with him—it turns me off completely and I really don’t think I can stay with him if he becomes a male stripper. I love him, he’s a beautiful person and extremely talented in many things. We have an amazing sex life and he’s definitely someone I want to keep in my life, but I’m having a really hard time supporting him in this.

—Distraught

Dear Distraught ,

Having a stripper friend does not automatically prove a tolerance towards them and waving her around as corroboration so you can vent your hostility is well, bullshit. You also have some pretty odd ideas about gay sexual expression if you perceive it simply as emasculating. This is but one example of queer sex and it crosses orientations for sure, but I challenge you to take an arm to the elbow up your ass and see if it doesn’t make a man out of you. (We’ll get into the related concept of a “woman’s” job being emasculating another time.)

Regardless, having a best friend who’s a ho and a boyfriend who’s a ho are two different kettles of fish, especially if you are possessive and insecure and/or your boyfriend is inclined to dabble beyond your agreed boundaries and neglect to tell you. A jerk boyfriend is going to make a jerk stripper boyfriend, and you obsessively visualizing his jerk antics at work will undoubtedly fuel the harping-lying-nagging-yelling-accusing-betraying cycle. A good boyfriend—which yours appears to be—will likely make a good stripper boyfriend. But still, will you be a good stripper’s girlfriend? If you feel you boyfriend’s body belongs to you and, by virtue, feel that his job will compromise your ownership and attraction, things are going to get ugly.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have concerns about your fellow getting into sex work, but I would encourage you to wonder why you may not use the same standard by which to judge other labour. Many people unquestioningly tolerate the repercussions of a partner’s demanding job, despite the fact that this may have an impact on their personal life, say—if they come home from work constantly depressed and beleaguered.

What is it about stripping that is so particularly concerning? Many of us are raised with ideas about sex that wholeheartedly endorse possessiveness and insecurity so it’s very difficult for us to come to terms with something that might challenge or compromise those ideas. Perhaps you also worry that your partner will like the job too much, that he is exploring his sexuality outside of the fixed framework you’ve established.

These are all reasonable fears but I would ask you to temper them with some firsthand information. There are many online resources to help you understand the sex industry better (blogs are one great source) though I will say the lack of resources for and by men is frustratingly scarce. In fact, the one and only dedicated to boys, Hook Online, is gone and CSIS (the Commercial Sex Information Service) is going offline shortly. Spread (www.spreadmagazine.org) is a trade magazine for sex workers. I would certainly consider a subscription to it.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM