THIS WEEK: Weakerthans, Bran Van,
CJLO, seagulls!

PLUS: Private schoolgirl tactics!!

M I’m calling to bitch about the asshole at the Weakerthans concert. He was fucking just flailing. He had BODY MOVEMENTS that went along with the lyrics of the song. It was absolutely ridiculous. He ruined the show for everyone. If anyone else wants to bitch, leave your message now. [BLEEP!]

F You know, there are reasons we all love Bran Van. The tracks are fantastic and that’s the number one reason. But a close second is because they represent the time when things started to turn around for us in Montreal. They represent a new era of OPTIMISM that came in sometime around the mid-’90s, when suddenly people had jobs and there was a new feeling of joie de vivre in this city. We started to go out, we started to have a better life all around and Bran Van, they made us happy. And when I hear this new album, I think about that happy time and I feel like that optimism is still here, even if maybe it’s fading a bit with people leaving the city with these stupid religious accommodations discussions that are going on. But it gives me some hope in a time when I feel a little more grey about life in this province. Thanks. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is a rant to follow up on CJLO’s rant from last week. Okay, before they even have to start worrying about getting on air, they need to start worrying about getting good programming on the station. I tuned in to some radio show called On the Rocks, it was the worst radio I have ever heard in my life. And then some other Jamaican music show that played nothing but HOMOPHOBIC DANCEHALL music. And this is what us Concordia students are paying for? And if we’re paying for the station, how come it’s not heard on campus? They’re trying to get on AM radio and they can’t even get on campus—what’s up with that? [BLEEP!]

M To the lady talking about CJLO being on the air in November. Anyone who’s been following the station for the last five years knows that that’s bullshit. There is absolutely no way that the station is going to be on anytime before next spring or next summer. They’ve been DANGLING THE CARROT of saying they’re going to be on the air in the next two to three months for the last five years. Things move at CJLO about as slow as fucking molasses. That’s all I have to say on the issue. [BLEEP!]

M I was watching the Ed Sullivan show on re-runs and it looks to me like MAMA CASS would be the same as Alanis Morissette in a fat suit so I was wondering—does anybody know who would play the other parts if they made the movie? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m sure that everyone at least goes to school or works with someone who keeps going on and on about this Zeitgeist movie. Well, for the record, I’ve seen this piece of shit movie and I’m greatly amused by the fact that anyone who watches it is immediately convinced that everything in the movie is fact. One of my very closest friends lost her uncle on FLIGHT 77 that hit the Pentagon on September 11 and she doesn’t think it’s very nice when someone accuses her uncle of faking his death. I think it’s good to be skeptical of the government, but when someone is telling me that the buildings were brought down in a CONTROLLED DEMOLITION and the planes were remote-control operated, it seriously makes me question their mental health. [BLEEP!]

F This one goes out to all the researchers and scientists. I was just standing on the corner here in lovely Verdun and I noticed a SEAGULL eating a french fry off the street. And I had this sudden thought that, hey, these things’ immune systems must be strong as fuck! Maybe we should use these guys as global research subjects, huh? Just to figure out how they live eating all this crap?! Then again, I don’t know statistics on SEAGULL DEATH, but it was just a thought. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to that guy who thinks that sending girls to private school is tantamount to dressing them up as sex dolls. Perhaps you should investigate some ’80s TEEN MOVIES in order to become enlightened to the kind of TACTICS that pubescent girls employ in order to overcome obstacles such as high school administration and parental supervision. And among these you’ll find the classic waist hold, a technique that can shave, minimum, two to three inches off the hemline. Or perhaps you think that public schools or loose dress codes are an appropriate alternative? I think it’s safe to say at this point that pubescent sex will out. [BLEEP!]

F Private schoolgirls don’t go to school looking that way. When they get to school, they hike up the skirt, they lower the BUTTONS, they put on their make-up. Then, before they go home, they hit the bathroom, roll down the skirt, button up and take off the make-up so their parents don’t know. [BLEEP!]

M/F Yeah, hi. My name is Gender and I am so tired of people thinking they know me. Who do they think they are? People are always trying to tell me what to do, all those legal forms that say check M or check F—what about Other? What’s so illegal about Other? Even you, Rant Line, you go around making assumptions about me? What are you going to choose, huh? Is it going to be M or is it going to be F? I dare you to just let me be! [BLEEP!]

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