Born to ride

There are a number of ways to earn a position on a sex offender registry, and none are particularly much to be proud of. But on the scale of measurement for sex offender disgrace, there can’t be much to conjure blank stares as readily as the crime committed by Robert Stewart. The lonesome Edinburgh, Scotland, man was caught in his west Scotland hostel room merrily fucking his bicycle.

According to prosecutors, Stewart had failed to respond when hostel cleaners knocked on his door to check if the room was occupied. Using their master key, the two let themselves in. Rather than just an unmade bed, they found Stewart, naked from the waist down and “holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.” The two notified the hotel manager, who called the police.

Stewart pleaded guilty to charges of sexual breach of the peace, earning himself a slot in the offender’s registry and leaving numerous questions unanswered, like whether the bicycle was a manly mountain bike or a slim, sexy racer.

by Scott Saxon