BDSM dating

Dear Sasha, I ’m starting to date for the purposes of a monogamous long-term relationship, and I wonder, how does a professional (non-sex-providing) dominatrix (especially a dungeon owner since 1985) let potential (not necessarily BDSM-active) partners know of my career choice? I do have a degree in behavioural science, but my current and preferred profession is BDSM. I have tried to temper the disclosure with the nuances of the individual I’m dating, but that hasn’t seemed to work very well.

—Domme in Toronto

Dear Domme,

In a city like TO, where the first question on anyone’s lips is invariably, “Where do you work?”, having an uncommon profession can be especially vexing. After all, if people are boorish enough to ask you so directly what you do for a living, you can be sure a battery of cautiously horror-struck questions is soon to follow. How, then, do you tell a potential partner you have a job that you really love and you’re really good at, one that provides you with financial independence and gives you a privileged purview of human desire and is completely consensual for everyone involved yet remains illicit and poorly understood?

I can’t help but feel burned when I think of all the people who get to date with so little concern about the impression that their job—one that may be patently immoral or just plain silly yet is socially acceptable—is going to make. People who additionally get to turn up their little hands, make faux sheepish quips like, “Yup, I’m a corporate whore! Ha ha!” and then move on to the main course without worrying about involuntarily hijacking the conversation only to provide someone with titillating chatter for future trysts, or worse, some idiotic reality television show about the world’s wackiest first dates. Can you imagine if everyone was held similarly accountable for their profession when being romantically appraised? Flannel pyjama and satellite cable sales would go through the roof.

To say nothing of the fact that you are undoubtedly pro-sex-work but feel compelled to present your own form of it as “non-sex-providing,” probably in part to avoid potential concerns people have about dating someone who fucks for a living. This is tricky because you end up misrepresenting from the outset, paving the way for confusion down the road by allowing people to make inaccurate distinctions about SM. Face it: your job is sex-providing—it just provides it in an atypical way, and the fact that this characteristic allows you to circumvent arcane laws and narrow social constructs about sexuality doesn’t make it any less so.

Understanding all this, what do I suggest you do? Be optimistic yet realistic. Dominatrixes aren’t the only ones who have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince, and you may also be surprised if you’ve been out of the traditional dating scene for a while how wise some folks have gotten to the realities of sex work (in no small part due to the fact that many sex workers, myself included, have forums in which to present issues firsthand). Be willing to talk about your job but be mindful of pandering to rubberneckers as so many sex workers do because we are often by nature consummate storytellers. And ask your own questions. What does this person know about BDSM? What are their perceptions of it as labour? Where do they get their information about people who work in the sex trade? Understand that, yes, despite the fact that you put your pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else (even though they may be assless and leather), you have a unique profession that might seem intimidating. After all, someone who taps into the deepest, darkest recesses of sexuality for a living can be quite daunting. Still, there is a line between gently accepting that someone may very reasonably be ignorant about your job (a quality that often works to its benefit professionally, lending it mystique) and allowing someone their gobsmacked prejudices at the expense of your dignity. It’s very normal that you should try to take a subtle approach—you’re simply doing what we all do when we downplay our peculiarities: avoiding heartache, judgment and disappointment. But don’t forget the myriad other qualities that define you as well.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM