THIS WEEK: Peanuts, lilacs,
Graham Van Pelt!

PLUS: Students should work, not strike!!

F Listen, I don’t know who told Graham Van Pelt that it’s okay to take off his SHIRT at Think About Life shows, but it’s not. It’s okay when Matt Shane does, it’s okay when Martin does because he’s so hot, and it would even be okay if Brendan wanted to do it. But Graham? No, sorry, honey. Not okay. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, hi, everyone should go check out the new Radiohead album. It is fucking beautiful. And that’s all. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is John Jordan from Me, Mom and Morgentaler with a rant. I have a new project called OSMOSIS UNLIMITED and we have a single. It features Kali of Kali and Dub Inc. and it’s called “So Much Sun.” You can get it for free at myspace.com/osmosisunlimited and all we’re asking is that you send us a donation that we can pass on to Ami Québec, the alliance for the mentally ill. So check it out, rock out to it and peace out, y’all. [BLEEP!]

F Good evening, Rant Line™. This is the Two Drunk Girls from the Cock ‘n Bull again. We are responding to the DJ’s rant, DJ Dickhead. So he wants us to suck his dick? He can suck his own dick! If he can. I mean, who does he think he are—he is, actually? Does he think he is attractive at all? Your turn. [girl #2] Yeah, part two of the Drunk Girls again, except now we’re drunk at Reggie’s. Who does this guy think he is?! He did not play “Dancing With Myself,” he played “White Wedding.” He played a shitty Billy Idol song! [girl #1] He tells us to suck his dick and that’s an excuse for being a shitty DJ. I’m sorry Rant Line™ but that’s not worth it. [girl #2] And what kind of guy tells girls to suck his dick as an insult?! [BLEEP!]

M You know, before hydroponic, Montreal was a HASH TOWN. Hash hash hash. And some of the hash was pretty fucking strong. Know what I’m saying? Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F I want more rants about underwear. Please, more rants about underwear. Thanks, people. [BLEEP!]

M You’re all a bunch of whining pussies. Everyone in this city needs to shut the fuck up. Clean your SHORTS like a big boy. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, I am a black man. I’ve got dreads coming down to my ass. I’m not the most CLEAN CUT guy in the world, and I’m on the street all the time, partying, riding my bike. My question is: what the hell are you people doing to get beat up by the cops? I’m 36 years old and the cops have never even said boo to me. What the hell are you people doing to get this harassment? There’s a thing I call aura and how you carry yourself—I understand that cops can be real assholes but, seriously, people, maybe you should look at yourself in the mirror and see how you’re behaving. Maybe you should stop carrying around this HATE ENERGY for the cops—maybe they sense this and they treat you like shit. Honestly. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is a response to the chick who was bitching about almost getting BURNED by cigarettes. Yeah, there are people who seem to ignore the fact that cigarette butts are on fire and just wave them around in people’s faces. But I’m a smoker and I’ve almost burned people before and it’s mostly because they’re standing too goddamn close to me. So keep that in mind, all right? Maybe respect personal space and you’ll be less in danger. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up? What the fuck is wrong with students nowadays? Since when do students STRIKE? You know what the problem is? Today’s kids are fucking lazy! When I was going to school full time, I would work at least 20 hours a week every fucking week, and in the summertime I’d bust my ass full time to pay for my fucking school. Instead of these kids who are out taking their goddamn vacations to France and AFRICA to do God knows what! Why don’t you stay in Quebec, work your ass off, make $5,000 in a summer—which you can do at eight bucks an hour—and then bust your ass 20 hours a week for a hundred-something bucks a week and you’ll pay for your rent, your food and your tuition. Tuition is peanuts in Quebec. Just get off your ass, you hemp bitches. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, asshole, yeah you, the one with the KILLER DOG off-leash. Keep your fucking dog on a leash! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this message is for the ass-pirate, the pillow-biting douchebag, piece of shit who ripped the branches and leaves off my lilac tree, that’s right, the one on Coloniale. Well, I’m waiting for you, you punk. I’ll be waiting and watching with my baseball bat and if I see you, I hope you have good running shoes, because in addition to the leaves and branches on the sidewalk, there’ll be pieces of your SKULL. Little fragments adorning the front of my house if I catch you. Stay away. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Well, everybody, it’s official: You can GROW PEANUTS in Montreal. They’re drying now, I just finished washing them off. Some of them are big, some of them are medium, some of them are, well, small. I don’t have extra large ones, but they are peanuts! I’m going to dry them, I’m going to ROAST them and I’ll call you back if they’re really delicious. If they’re bad, well, maybe I’ll call you back. [BLEEP!]

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