THIS WEEK: Islands, Final Fantasy, Halo 3!

PLUS: GFE, BB, BBBJ, CBJ and PSE concluded!!

F Hello Rant Line™. Long time reader, first time caller. I would like to say that the Islands show for Pop Montreal was the most arrogant, inconsiderate and egotistical tantrumy bitchfest I have ever had the misfortune to pay $16 to witness. “Oh woe is me, people loved our album. Our show’s totally packed shoulder to shoulder but we must let all these ADORING FANS know that we have nothing but contempt for their love of our music.” You can put on glittery foundation and FLOP your hair ever so succinctly over your brow. You can wear little outfits that are colour-coordinated. But you can’t play a couple of crowd pleasers without insulting our intelligence or choice of music—your music? I do not want to have your babies. I think I am through listening to you because apparently you never wanted me to in the first place. [BLEEP!]

F What is up with these kids who go to shows and they go to the front row and they get pissed off at you when you’re dancing and you accidentally BUMP into them? Don’t pick a fight with me because I’m having a good time. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M They don’t dance because they’re poseurs. Welcome to the dollhouse. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I was at the Final Fantasy show the other night and I’ve got to say that I’m in love with that little Asian woman who puts on shows with the overhead display. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the Montreal Mirror entertainment editor. The writing is on the wall for you guys. See, the release of Halo 3 was the wake-up call that proved beyond all doubt that, compared to the video game industry, all other mass entertainment is just a FOOTNOTE. Think about it: a popular band might sell units in the hundreds of thousands and a hit movie might generate a few million bucks, but video game success is measured in the hundreds of millions. Therefore, I recommend that you stop the charade and immediately devote most of the Mirror to gaming. And, yeah, of course you have a mandate to cover other fields of entertainment, like books, art, indie film, dance, theatre, underground bands, poetry. Just stick all that stuff in the back of the paper in a small column entitled Niche Market. [BLEEP!]

M Dear Montreal, You’re so cool. Tell me more about yourself. I need to know you in and out. Could you tell me more about how you have celebrities hanging out at Academie? Could you woo me with tales of DRUNKEN NIGHTS at Pop Montreal? Could you impress the pants off me with your knowledge of all the homegrown talent? How much gets talked about within you but never seems to get past your parameters? And could we discuss how unfair that is? Ah, you’re a big beautiful bastard and the way you rock with your TENNIS VISOR upside down and backwards really shows me that indeed I’m privileged to have been raised on your streets. I used to just think I was cool, now I understand that it’s everyone around me that makes me cool. And it’s Montreal that makes us all cool. And we’re so fucking cool. Sincerely, Blow Me. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, this is for the dumb fool that thinks that GFE means that the girl is having sex with no condom. Hello!? Before you yap your mouth off, educate yourself. First of all, I used to do reception for an escort agency so I know exactly what GFE means. GFE means Girlfriend Experience, which means that instead of straight-up you-know-what, you kiss and you CUDDLE, as if the person was your girlfriend. Hello? Wake up, fuck. [BLEEP!]

M GFE girlfriend experience has nothing to do with fucking without a condom. The girlfriend experience is just when the girl is really nice and CUDDLY, and will maybe you even kiss you. Lonely guys certainly like that. BB is bareback. That’s fucking without a condom, nobody wants that. BBBJ is what the guys like, that’s bareback blowjob. Much better than the CBJ. Anyways, fuck the GFE. The PSE—Porn Star Experience—that’s what I’m all about. [BLEEP!]

M Oh God, what the fuck is up with older people always going on about how the younger generation doesn’t know weed? Old people are retarded, they’ve been smoking so much weed that they just can’t seem to realize that they’re too stoned to fucking hear that we fucking know what we’re doing. Last time I fucking smoked with somebody older than me, they were going on about holding the weed for, like, 30 seconds and taking dirt pipe tokes. I’m not really about to listen to OLD HIPPIES talking about how to smoke weed. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, hi, I just wanted to say that I couldn’t even believe this happened. We had a FIRE in the building where I live and it turns out everything’s okay, but I had five minutes to get out of here because the smoke was crazy. So in those five minutes, I decided I’m going to save my cat because that’s number one, right? So I save my cats and my bird. But what does my boyfriend save? His dirty UNDERWEAR. So I’m just wondering, is that normal? By the way, he’s from Ontario and I’m from Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M This is a rant for the guy who got beat up by the cops. I got beat up by the cops, me and my buddy a few years ago, too. After a bunch of legal rambling, the cops still have jobs. So if you’re looking for justice, you might not find it. [BLEEP!]

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