Dishing the dirt

by RAF KATIGBAK

The end is nigh, my friends. So best be prepared: Over-sized umbrella for giant-sized hail: check Bug repellent to ward off plague of locusts: check Snorkel and flippers to swim through the sea ofblood: check

Yes, the apocalypse is upon us. How do I know? It is said that “When the stars by which we are guided have fallen and the phoenix has risen from the ashes, the four horsemen will ride, the dead will walk the earth... fire, war, pestilence, yadda yadda.” Basically we’ll be up shit creek with nothing but a drinking straw.

If you’ve been paying attention, the signs are obviously all around us. Now I’m not talking about stuff like the atrocities in the DR Congo or even the trouble in Burma. The fallen star I mentioned is, of course, Britney Spears, who on Monday was ordered by a judge to give up her custody of her two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. She has since been ordered to undergo regular drug tests and parent classes. Parent classes! How much would you pay to sit in on one of those; “Okay Ms. Spears. Here we’ve outlined a few basic building blocks of good parenting: number one: don’t be a cracked-out crystal meth addict!”

Like OMG! Can things get any worse for the princess of pop? She’s having a tougher time keeping things peaceful than General Martin Luther Agwai, commander of the new combined United Nations-African Union in Darfur! First, there was the shaved head incident in February, then the hit-and-run, then the VMA awards comeback debacle, then she’s dropped by her management, and then the allegations of substance abuse, then she loses her kids? The whole thing makes you just want to scream like that Chris Cocker YouTube video: Leave Britney Alone!

Most of you know I don’t usually go for that celebrity gossip stuff—unless you count getting Perez Hilton updates forwarded to my celly every 30 seconds LOL—but this isn’t about talking about the latest J-Lo gossip (totes preggers!), this is the apocalypse people, and it’s as serious as Kiefer Sutherland’s DUI mugshot. And I just can’t help but see the signs.

What about the others signs, the phoenix rising from the ashes? The four horsemen? Well, how about a two for one? Maybe the scriptures got it wrong (just like that whole being gay is bad thing ROFL). Maybe it’s not so much horsemen as it is horsewomen. Or four hoarse women? I know five hoarse women who are rising from the ashes: the Spice Girls! These ladies are about to drag themselves out of ’90s obscurity with their comeback show in London. If you’re looking for tickets, good luck, the show sold out in an impressive 38 seconds, which was about 30 seconds longer than Sporty Spice’s solo career (zing!). But anyone who caught Mel B on Dancing With the Stars on Monday totally knows that Scary still has it!

With the greatest hits album slated for release in November (it makes a great stocking stuffer!), there’s no telling what treats they have in store for their comeback tour. Will the girls fail to deliver some 21st century girl power? Or will it be the biggest comeback since Nicholas Biwott ousted leader Uhuru Kenyatta, to take control of Kenya’s Kanu party back in 2006? Only time will tell!

But the signs of the end don’t stop there: remember that whole “dead walking the Earth” thing? Well, it looks like Mick Jagger has recently announced that the Rolling Stones will keep recording, touring and somehow, breathing. I’m sorry, I like Exile on Main Street as much as anyone, but usually, when a raisin comes running at me screaming, “I can’t get no satisfaction,” I run the other way or offer up some Viagra. The last time I saw someone so old command that much attention, 84-year old Nepalese politician Girija Prasad Koirala was being sworn in as PM by King Gyanendra last year following weeks of pro-democracy protests. Like, total shocker!

Oh yeah, you know what totally blows my dome? Can you believe that Lou Pearlman, the man behind the Backstreet Boys and NSync, is a sexual predator that liked to get it on with the boys in his bands? That’s soooo crazy! What a sneaky Pete! This must have been what Syrian President Bashar al-Assad felt like when Vice-President Abdul Halim Khaddam implicated him in the murder of former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri in February 2005. Schwing! I believe this is yours...

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca