THIS WEEK: Kiki, Chloe, two drunk girls
and a former hooker!

PLUS: Emo kids blamed for lack of motion!!

M Hello. I was at the THOMAS DOLBY concert last night and what a good show. Everybody enjoyed it. A lot more people should have come. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy complaining about no one MOVING at the Metric show, you’re so right. And it’s not just at that show. I went to Slayer, I went to White Stripes and I went to Tool and almost nobody dances or thrashes anymore. They just stand there. I tried thrashing at Slayer and Tool and people were looking at me like I was a freak from outer space. It’s this NEW WORLD ORDER of emo kids who don’t know how to fucking dance anymore—they’re all scared of getting hurt. They’re all, like, “Oh no, what could happen?” because they’ve heard too many scary stories about their older brothers. Now everyone just goes home and blogs about it or rants about it. Get out there and do something, you bunch of pussies! You ain’t going to die if you get a scar or you lose a tooth! Fuck y’all! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the TWO DRUNK GIRLS from the Cock ‘n Bull. Look, I did play you “London Calling.” I played you two songs from that album. I played you a Billy Idol song and I even played you a Cure song, but you were too drunk and self-obsessed to notice. And by the way, I know Twisted Sister sucks, but someone else requested that. At least Dee Snider has a sense of humour. The fucking Cure, it’s like guys in EYELINER who sing whiny songs about their cat. Suck my dick. [BLEEP!]

M To the two drunk girls complaining about the ’80s music at Cock ‘n Bull. That’s all this city needs: another bar that caters to drunk girls like yourself. Here’s a thought: Why don’t you listen to new music for a change instead of singing your favourite CYNDI LAUPER song as you’re getting thrown out of a bar in a drunken mess? Get a life. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is for Mama Kind, the senior editor of Skunk magazine. I’ve read that rag, and I can tell you, kids today do NOT know pot. They don’t remember things like THAI STICK, SENSIMILLA or the wonderful world of LAMB’S BREATH. You all need to get your heads screwed on straight somewhere along the line and quit ranting about stuff you know shit about. [BLEEP!]

M I love all the BOYS at the Cagibi. That’s the hottest sack of dirtbags I’ve ever seen. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the girl who was SMOKING on the busy street today. You burned my arm. Can’t you see it’s dangerous? What if I was a child—you could have burned my eye? This happened at Piknic Électronik too. The guy was smoking in the crowd and almost burned my clothes. Can you believe this? Use your brain, you stupids. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, to the dude talking about music being played TOO LOUD on the bus and metro. To tell you the truth, you’re right on some points, but don’t think it’s just hip hop that’s being played too loud. Too many times I have had to listen to bullshit heavy metal: RAH RAH RAH, it’s not even fucking music, just more screaming into a mic. So you know what? Keep your shit personal and we’ll do the same. But do you really have the balls to go up to a bunch of hip hop heads and play your shit? Personally, I don’t think so. Anyway, peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I am the guy that got beaten up by two divisions of police outside of the Green Room on Saturday, September 22 for “obstructing the circulation of pedestrian traffic.” Could anyone who witnessed this brazen expression of EXCESSIVE FORCE please help me prepare my case so we can prevent this happening to anyone else in the future? This is your community! Press coverage is encouraged. Remember you have the right to be free of arbitrary arrest and detention, let alone getting beaten up for the declaration of said right. Know your rights. Please contact me at skullrhythm@yahoo.co.uk. Thanks. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hi sugar, it’s me again. Listen, I just wanted to say I wanted to run something through the Rant Line™ just to get some people’s opinions. I’m at the golf tournament right now, waitering tables and stuff, and I really have a hard time thinking of golf as a sport, okay? To me, it’s in the same category as bowling and CURLING. It’s not a sport, you know what I’m saying? [BLEEP!]

F This is a rant regarding the GFE girlfriend experience. I am in fact an actual escort calling to let you guys know we are not fucking without condoms. We are sucking cocks if it’s clean enough without condoms, and we will kiss you on the mouth. If anybody seems to think differently, maybe you guys should spend $200 and give me and Kiki a call. My name’s Chloe. Have a great one. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is a REAL LIVE FORMER HOOKER. I don’t know who has been telling you people that a girlfriend experience means you fuck without a condom, but those people are fucking retards. Maybe, maybe, some girls might blow without a condom. But basically, what GFE means is you don’t sit on the guy’s dick and scream like Jenna Jameson. It means that you go out and you act like you’re his girlfriend. You can actually be seen in public with him because you don’t show up in clear heels and in a mini-skirt that crawls up your ASS CRACK. You just show up, you act nice, you have fun with him, you have sex with him. You enjoy it. You have a good fucking time instead of acting like you’re there to put on a performance. That’s what girlfriend experience is. Word. [BLEEP!]

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