Swabbin’ the decks!

by JACK OATMON

The international news media painted a pretty grim picture of the Canadian Arctic this month. With the historic melting of ices in the fabled Northwest Passage, the only potentially sea-navigable trade route north of this continent, a sovereignty battle of epic, Iliad-like proportions seems sure to follow. Many nations are laying claims in the area, such as Russia. Up to old tricks, they’ve sent a super high-tech submarine deep below the surface to plant a titanium flag.

To this, Canadian Foreign minister Peter MacKay chortled, “This isn’t the 15th century. You can’t go around the world and just plant flags and say, ‘We’re claiming this territory.’ We’re not at all concerned about this mission.” Well, Pete, I’ve got news for you, because Denmark is in the mix now too. Their claim? Vikings! Forget the damn 15th century; they’re gettin’ medieval on our ice. So what the hell have we got to ward off the tides of spies and Vikings?

Well, if all goes according to plan this weekend, we might have one last stab at protecting our Northern heritage—pirates. Not just your everyday pirates, either. I’m talking about fuckin’ ninja pirates! After a series of spectacle-breaking jams that would make Guy DeBord scratch his head, the good people at Ninja Tune have decided to hornswoggle a yacht and hit the high seas with some beats that are cold-chillin’ enough to put the freeze-up on these bastards.

“It was such a ridiculous summer,” explains Ninja Tune captain Ghostbeard, aka Jeff Waye. “Between Sixtoo and Ghislain Poirier doing that insane, illegal under-the-bridge party, the TTC Banquise jam and all these other things, we figured, why not end it on a ridiculous, weekend-long high note? Plus, working in music these days is such a trying game with diminishing returns, I just figured, fuck it. We kind of owe it to the staff to have some ridiculous blowout. Fourteen people from the U.K. office are flying over for this, too. It’s our Ninja staff party, but we decided to invite about 800 other people too.”

Of course, before this mission—which sets sail from Quai King-Edward at 11:30 p.m. on Saturday, September 29—can inspire some guerrilla ninjitsu protection for Canada’s north, Ninja Tune must first reclaim its home territory, here on the island of Montreal.

“This summer was our time to, consciously or subconsciously, reclaim the party space a bit,” says Waye. “We built a reputation on parties and we’ve then spent a lot of years as a legitimate record label, and lost sight of the party end of it a little bit. But I get so fuckin’ bored at most parties these days, I feel like I have to step it up a bit. As a label, one thing we can take claim for is making it okay to be eclectic and not just play the same tempo, same bullshit, all night. So we’ll just have to show these damn kids how it’s done.”

Ghostbeard’s shipmates on the Piknic Aquatik cruise include Amon Tobin, the Bug, Luv and Tashish, with tickets available at Moog, Atom Heart and Cheap Thrills. And don’t miss the Ninja U.K. vs. Ninja Montreal edition of Clockout at Casa del Popolo on Friday night, to get hyped up for the yacht rager. Also, join the crew for a snifter of hangover-healing grog at Piknic Électronik on Sunday, featuring all the Ninja artists named above, plus Ghislain Poirier and Sixtoo.

Next week: Pop till you puke! jack.oatmon@gmail.com