THIS WEEK: Mosh pits, Mayan astrology, Intestinal Disgorge!

PLUS: GFE declared dangerous!!

F To the guy who complained about no one dancing at the Animal Collective show. You are right. No one ever dances any more at these shows. Come on, man, these beats are awesome. Why are you just standing there? Even at the Metric show at the CSU, people just stood there while a handful of us danced. And then when some people started MOSHING, the ones who don’t want to mosh ran out with their hands flying everywhere screaming. Dude, it’s a mosh! Get out! Nobody gets hurt on purpose—if you get hurt by accident, suck it up and get out if you don’t want to be there. Anyway, people, start dancing at shows! Bands don’t like it when you just stand there. They feel stupid and they don’t think that they’re doing their job right. And you know what? They’re rocking their hearts out. So get it out there for them. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M To this guy who went to this Animal Collective show with his girlfriend. Well, I saw the two of you there dancing and you looked like a couple of nerds having SEIZURES. So it’s no wonder nobody’s dancing at shows. Garbage. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, sugar, it’s ME, this is actually not a rant. This is just to praise the Björk show. It was awesome! The people there were so beautiful and cool and the group before—I forgot the name—but they were all right too. And Björk just ripped it apart and it was everything I wanted to see and I’m really, really happy. So, yeah, man, BJöRK RULES. [starts singing, badly] And if you complain once more/you’ll meet an army of me/I go through all these/before you wake up/so I can feel happier/to be safe up here with you. I’m stoned on E. [BLEEP!]

M About the person dissing Helix: he’s not being ignorant, he’s just being old school. Back in the day, metal fans were all into not liking different types of metal. People that liked Anthrax hated people that liked Slayer and people that liked Slayer hated people that liked Anthrax. It’s a fucking given. If you like every music, you’re a fool that doesn’t even know what you like! You like a specific kind of music, you’re in a category—it all makes sense. It has nothing to do with ignorance or anything, it just means what you like and what you get off on. Look at the MAYAN ASTROLOGY. There are like 40 different types of personality and people, if you understand the Mayan astrology, well, that means we’re all friggin’ different and we’re all going to like and dislike different shit. We can never all get along. So if people don’t like something, it’s not being ignorant, it’s just being themselves. Screw you guys. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M I am in love with all the girls at le Cagibi. [BLEEP!]

F My rant is in regard to all these people who feel compelled to get on a bus and listen to the music out loud on their cell phones—or whatever the fuck those things are. Tonight, on the 113, it’s a Sunday, there was a dude with a WHITE HOODIE having a loud conversation with the speakerphone on. The whole bus could hear this guy having his conversation. Nobody gives a shit about your fucking conversation! Nobody cares about the hip hop you’re listening to! So in retaliation of my fed-up-ness, I’m going to download some death metal on my cellphone and when I see a group of you fuckers listening to your hip hop I’m going to sit there right in the middle of you and listen to some good old INTESTINAL DISGORGE and see how you like them apples, you dumb fuck shits. [BLEEP!]

F I’m sitting in the bathroom at MIAMI where the bathrooms have suddenly become labelled male and female. Since when are they not interchangeable? And there’s a pack of wild 17-year-old Dawson kids here, complaining about how much they hate the place and they want to go to Tokyo bar but they won’t fucking leave and I’m being explained this by some kid who’s ordering pineapple juice because it makes his cum taste sweet. If I don’t make it out alive, tell my mom I love her because I really, really, really do. I’m really sorry. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Marc-Boris St-Maurice calling from the Marijuana Foundation and I just read that rant about Montreal’s weed. Of course, it may be pretty strong, but obviously the caller knows nothing about weed, because those little crystals are actually exactly where the THC is, it’s called TRI-CONES, they’re full of resin, that’s where the concentrated ingredient is and that’s what you make HASH with. Maybe if your weed’s too strong, it’s because you’re smoking too much of it? And if you’re having anxiety attacks, maybe you should stop smoking. It’s been quite well documented that THC can cause anxiety attacks in about 25 per cent of users. Anyway, if you want to know about weed, go to the library, don’t refer to the Rant Line™ because people who call don’t know what they’re talking about. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, fucking the Liquor Commission, man, what the fuck is that bullshit, man? It’s called an SAQ, jackass, this is Quebec. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is about the GFE, the Girlfriend Experience. What no one has said is that it is a really, really DANGEROUS SEX practice where the prostitute has sex without a condom. Anyway, I haven’t really talked to any prostitutes about it, but I hope you guys don’t think that it’s just an innocent thing. [BLEEP!]

F Look, we’re never going to solve this GFE girls’ thing until a real hooker calls. So where are you ladies? [BLEEP!]

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