Cougar on the prowl

Dear Sasha,

In your column [“Yearning for young stuff,” July 5] you offered some insight to a middle-aged man interested in a much younger woman. Your tips were thought-provoking and interesting.

I was wondering if you would consider bestowing a similar courtesy to us gals in our 40s and early 50s who pursue, and are pursued by, young men with a fantasy for the older-woman experience.

Do you have some tips to offer in the courting stages, as well as the carnal ones? I’ve had some good experiences, but a few went “off” for reasons I’m not sure of.

Any thoughts on making him feel like a king while still bringing your experience or worldliness (often what attracted them in the first place) to the table? And for not sending out signals that inadvertently freak them out about the 20 years or so between you?

It became clear at this gathering that at least some teenage girls no longer see me this way—presumably because I am approaching 40 and, I guess, what could I have ever done that might be relevant to them? After all, they may one day look forward to being 28, but 40? Never. I felt invisible in a way that hurt and I’ve been suffering some grief over a relationship model that I had taken for granted.

I’m bringing this up because it has to do with self-perception, other peoples’ perception of you and how these things also affect intergenerational sexual relationships—as evidenced by both your off-putting and affirmative experiences with younger men. You may never really feel “grown-up,” but at a certain point, you have to start realizing that you are. It’s not about bowing to ageist societal pressure, it’s about acknowledging, as you have, that there is a certain objectification to an age gap—just as there is to any sexual relationship that is kindled by difference—and that there are both positive and negative impacts to this.

Young folks may have the enticing benefit of youth at their disposal and some of them are as cool as cucumbers but, ironically, when do you ever remember feeling so in charge of your satin smooth fecundity? It’s such a great cosmic joke—young people are constantly cast as available and eager and older people may find themselves unexpectedly stereotyped as marauding and insatiable when really, they might have only just gotten their legs in the whole matter. But then, isn’t it at least partially these constructs that make intergenerational sex appealing? Would some people find anal sex so exciting if it wasn’t for the taboo aspect?

I understand you’re looking for practical tips so as not to put yourself in the way of another hurtful, freaky situation—aging is confounding enough with its thorny combination of heightened sexual awareness and sagging tits—so I’ll just say this: if you allow young people with their brazen veneer, lack of experience and massive yet fickle expectations, to make you question your appeal when things go “off,” you’re in for some grief. You’re entering into relationships with built-in presumptions that tempt and restrict in equal measures. Just be aware of this.

Let’s also be realistic about something more obvious. If you want to continue being sexually viable as you age, you must be exigent about your mental and physical health. Being intelligent and healthy is attractive, it’s simply a given.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM