Groanland

Dear Raf,

I am amazed about the facts you have shown about Denmark. I think that you have been in a rush for conceiving this article. Let me show you an example. If you see a world map, you might see a big territory closer to Canada in the east. You might guess I am talking about Greenland. Have you wondered who this territory belongs to? It belongs to Denmark. Canada is still bigger in territory, but there is such a big difference in your comparison. The opinions are just point of views and are as valid as any other opinions. I am not going to question that. It’s possible to put a little bit more attention when writing an article. Have a nice day.

Bye!
Wotan Hansen

Dear Wotan,

Thank you for your e-mail. I hope you didn’t take my last column, “Happy times in Legoland,” as an actual affront to the country of Denmark. I don’t really dislike Denmark or Danes. In fact, some of my favourite pastries are Danishes.

I am glad you brought up Greenland. “If you see a world map,” you suggest, “you might see a big territory closer to Canada in the east. You might guess I am talking about Greenland.” I did as you instructed and found Greenland. It was pretty easy, in fact, and to paraphrase the viral YouTube video of Miss Teen South Carolina: I personally believe that most Canada Canadians are able to do so even though uh, people out there in our nation don’t have maps. Like, such as South Africa, and uh the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as...”

Indeed, Greenland is that large splotchy land mass to our east with an impressive size that lessens my claim of Canada being able to whup Denmark’s ass in the surface area department. With Greenland, Denmark’s territory certainly gives Canada a run for its money. That is, if Greenland actually existed. That’s right, people. I’m calling bullshit on Greenland.

Have you, dear readers, ever been to Greenland? Do you know anyone who lives in Greenland? Do you know what the GDP is? Do you know if they’re supposed to even use money over there? No, no you do not.

That’s because it doesn’t exist. Sure, you could look it up on the Internet, but that doesn’t make it real. To me, saying someone lives in Greenland is like saying someone lives on Romulus 9 or in the Chocolate Covered Rainbow-land where everyone rides unicorns and frolics with jujube dolphins or some shit. Speaking of unicorns, don’t even get me started on narwhals. Those supposedly graceful, one-horned whales of the north aren’t sea creatures. They’re abominations! And their horns aren’t even magic! Or maybe I just haven’t slaughtered the right ones.

Wake up people: Greenland ain’t real.

“But Raf,” you say, “Greenland has to exist, it’s on all our maps!” You know what? Globes and maps can be wrong. Once, in Hollywood, I bought a Map to the Stars’ Homes, and when I went to Whitney Houston’s house all I found was a couple of sketchy crackheads looking around for cigarette butts. Sure, it was Whitney and Bobby, but I wouldn’t exactly call that place a “home.”

Besides, map people are not to be trusted. I mean, Greenland is supposed to be icy, and Iceland is supposed to be green? What kind of bullshit is that? But someone, please prove me wrong. Introduce me to a Greenlander or speak to me in Greenlandic; show me a pet narwhal or host a dinner with Amâgajat, the horrible witch who’ll take lonely travellers by surprise and put them in her knapsack and carry them home to her hut, where she devours them.

Perhaps the question that should be posed is, why has this geographical conspiracy been perpetrated for so long? Is it Denmark that wants to seem as big as Canada? Or is it something bigger than that? Are the CIA, FBI, Osama Bin Laden and North Korea all together behind this, like so many other things? What secret could be so huge that they would pay off thousands of mapmakers and geography teachers around the world? What are they trying to hide? Well, I’ll tell you. According to my sources, there is a very simple and elegant explanation: they’re covering up an alien landing strip for satanic cloned Elvis babies.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca