THIS WEEK: Animal Collective, Björk,
cheap new kids!

PLUS: Hippies plan Cummins roast!!

F Well, I went to the Starvin Hungry show recently and it was very good. I noticed that Mirror columnist Johnson Cummins was there. It’s hard to miss the BEARD, which is kind of scraggly, dude—I watched the video that comes with the electric shaver, I could help you with that. But anyway, I think he threw beer on me, or spilt a beer on me—which I’m generally kind of used to by the way—and now, after reading his LET’S GED RID OF HIPPIES column, I can guess why. Stop the hate, man. What’s wrong with you? Are you joking? I will give you worms for that closet compost and maybe some vegan casserole! Anyway, as I was looking through my satchel for my hash pipe, and accidentally pulled out my PATCHOULI vial, I swear that Cummins was staring at me. Come and get it, chub-face! I rock more than you. I rock so hard. I fuckin’ rock. You liked what you saw. And what you saw was a hippie who rocks. Eat your heart out, beardo. P.S. My friend the commune-dweller wants you to know that the hippies are planning to roast you for food on the mountain next cold winter and that you would look good with an APPLE in your mouth. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I went to the Animal Collective show with my girlfriend, it was her birthday, and the band was awesome. But all these indie rock scenesters really pissed me off, man. Nobody was dancing and with the beats that they were playing, you had to work not to move. Everybody was just staring at them like they were a science project or a BOOK REPORT. I really don’t understand these people—why don’t they all just move to Toronto? Actually, moving in Toronto isn’t a good idea, because they dance in Toronto. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, I wanted to start a poll to know how many people are eagerly anticipating the Björk show on September 21. Who, who? Please tell me how many? I am so going NUTS. I am ah… oh… ah… [BLEEP!]

M What? Some moron ranting and raving over the new release from Public Enemy? Come on, give me a break. Honestly, who gives a rat’s ass if that’s their best album ever? Like it really matters. We’ll see if it stands the test of time in 10 or 20 years from now. I really doubt it. Not like Zeppelin, Purple, Floyd or the Stones, just to name a few. Now that’s classic music. But Public Enemy?! Like somebody said, nigga, please! It’s like ranting about Lou Bega’s latest or Vanilla Ice or Paris Hilton. Who really gives a shit? So I guess you were right, brother, just like you predicted, it fell upon DEAF ears. It’s SHIT HOP, crap hop. Long live rock ’n’ roll. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah this is about the whole discussion about WEED being too strong in Montreal. I’ve got news for all of you guys. The weed in Montreal is absolutely chock-full of all kinds of shit like speed, PCP, who knows what the hell is going in there. I’ve been smoking weed for 40 years and the stuff that’s on the street today is completely full of crap. That’s why people are getting ANXIETY attacks, that’s why your heart is palpitating. The strongest weed in the world, if it’s clean weed, won’t do that to you. But the crap that’s all over Montreal will do it for sure. And you will struggle, struggle desperately to try and find weed in Montreal that is actually clean, that is actually nothing but weed. It’s almost impossible to find anymore. You know those little shiny CRYSTALS that you see all over the weed, that people tell you is THC? Well, that’s bullshit, because THC never turns up as tiny crystals in weed. So if you see those little crystals all over your weed, you know it’s guaranteed that it’s been whacked with something nasty. And that’s why people are having so many problems with it. And if you’re 20 years old, or 25 years old, or 30 years old and you’ve always bought your weed in Montreal and you’re going “Wow, it’s such great weed,” you’ve never had weed that’s clean! If you’ve been buying weed for the past 10 or 12 or 15 years, you’ve never had clean weed! So you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re smoking crap and you think it’s wonderful weed but it’s actually weed that’s just full of all kinds of other NASTY STUFF. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy looking for good weed connections. Go to the liquor commission and buy WHISKEY and get fucked up like a real man. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, St-Dominique street BEAMER BIKE DUDE. You got it all twisted. It’s because of yuppie assholes like you that the Plateau has a stigma hanging over its head. That’s the real truth right there. Keep fuckin’ tagging the status symbols. Especially in the Plateau. Motherfuck gentrification. Anyone who has a fuckin’ silver BMW bike, a fucking $20,000+ vehicle, has no business in the Plateau. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to leave a rant for the people asking about the GFE girls. It’s not girlfriend experience. It’s gonna-fuck everybody-type girls. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, this is a message for all the NEW KIDS who just moved in on the block. It’s September and you kids got to know that waitresses, waiters, bartenders don’t work for free in Quebec. Everybody get that straight. The government charges each and every service worker eight per cent on everything they sell, so if you don’t tip them, they have to pay for you to eat, or you to drink and for you to enjoy yourself. So please tip your waitresses, your waiters, your bartenders very well. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

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