Lost in the bush

Dear Sasha,

I am in love with an amazing man and things are insanely hot between us in every way. Sex is typically superb and awesome and hilarious and imaginative and fun—except—dude can’t seem to come when he’s in me. For the most part this is fine, since we do lots of other stuff besides standard hetero bonking, and said bonking is generally excellent. (In fact, this is pretty much a dream come true situation, which is why it’s taken me years to complain.)

Even though the ol’ in-and-out can go on for as long as I need it to, it would be really satisfying for both of us if he was able to come while we’re rocking the spot. It’s happened the “usual” way a few times over the years but only if we get down to business pretty much immediately after he gets excited, which means that I am not quite up to speed. I’ve never read about this problem before, and even though I feel almost greedy asking, I’m curious about what’s going on. I’m in no rush, since I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with this guy, but it’d be nice to figure this out for baby-making purposes.

—Please Come Inside

Dear Please,

Your situation (not at all unusual) conjures an analogy of modifying one’s eating habits to achieve certain physical results. Personally, I have a really hard time being an ascetic eater because I just love rich, tasty food. Every morsel that goes into my mouth, I lust after. Upon awaking, I leap out of bed in lascivious anticipation of my first meal. Even while I’m eating, I’m thinking of my next spread and when I get full, I become melancholy because it means I won’t be able to eat for another four hours or so. So a strictly functional diet, a juice fast, that sort of thing, is out of the question for me. Take the sensuality out of eating and you’re taking half the pleasure out of being alive.

What I’m getting at, with yet another one of my dorky sex-as-food metaphors, is this: if you had to put your gleefully voracious sex life on a diet, how would you fare? In other words, would you be willing to fuck with more of an objective, at least sometimes, to achieve an internal pop? You can potentially change a pattern if you work at it, it just involves really understanding what it is about the vagina that makes it an inhospitable ejaculation zone for your boyfriend and what it is about his procedure that’s golden and seeing if the twain can meet. It means asking questions that may make both of you a bit cross and self-conscious, feelings that may be extra intimidating because you’ve obviously done some work being happy, carefree perverts and keeping bad vibes out of the boudoir. Is internal ejaculation difficult for him because he, like so many boys, developed a single-focused masturbation technique that he feels he can’t stray from? Lots of us had to sneak masturbation so we developed an indivertible drill before Mom could burst in, a habit that often follows us into partner sex. Many men also need their penis clasped and stroked in a fashion that even the most gifted temple whore couldn’t mimic vaginally. Would watching some porn during sex that emulates his technique help the transition by jacking up the atmosphere? Some smutty, mid-sex palaver about his fantasies?

Talk. Fuck. Talk and fuck. See if that doesn’t help. And hey, there’s always a turkey baster, right?

Dear Sasha,

I’m a stripper and I’ve been dating this guy for about five months now. He’s a total rock star but there’s one problem: he loves a full bush. I’m game for just about anything sexually, but this I cannot do. My pussy is my job and I can’t have a big fuzzy muff at work. Help!

—Beaver Fever

Dear Beaver,

Actually, depending on where you work, you could sport a big bush but then you’re Big Bush Girl and trust me, being one of the club pariahs (fat, older, ethnic, unshaven, etc.) takes some serious fucking je ne sais quoi and you may not be ready to shoulder the shit. Explain this to him and maybe offer to wear a merkin or get him some special porn?

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM