Happy times in Legoland

by RAF KATIGBAK

Canada sits ninth of 95 nations ranked in a “global happiness index” created by Dutch academic Ruut Veenhoven in 1999.

Canada has a score of 7.6 on the World Database of Happiness, compared with the U.S. score of 7.4, which ranks 17th. The top rated countries are Denmark (8.2) and Switzerland (8.1).source: Globe and Mail.

Dear Denmark,
First off, let me congratulate you on your recent ranking of number one happiest place in the world. This is a great feat and you must be very proud of yourself. Especially since you are such a tiny little country that is, in actual fact, vastly inferior to Canada in almost every way.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a sour grapes attempt to deflate some of what is sure to be your swollen, red-nosed, Danish ego. Actually, I’m very happy for you. In fact, as a Canadian I’m legally bound to feel happy for you in our country’s spirit of global unity. I think it’s in our Charter of Rights, in the fourth paragraph.

Indeed, you have every right to celebrate in the streets of Legoland, drinking Glogg and stuffing your puffy faces with Danishes or herrings or whatever it is you people eat over there. By all means, party! I’m just saying that you should savour your victory to its fullest extent without letting the bitter truth that Canadians are actually better than you bring you down.

For your benefit, I have included a short list of why exactly you are not as good as Canada.

Top reasons why Canada clearly beats Denmark

Literature: You’ve got Hans Christian Andersen, we’ve got Lucy Maud Montgomery: The Little Mermaid vs. Anne of Green Gables. Gee, I wonder who would win in a no-holds-barred steel-cage Ultimate Fighting match? A mute fish-girl who’ll turn into sea foam if the dude she has a crush on doesn’t like her back, or the feisty orphan who breaks a slate over Gilbert Blythe’s head for calling her “Carrots?”

Music: Okay, so you gave us Mercyful Fate, thanks for that, but Aqua? As bad as anything Canada has ever produced, nothing can compare to the grating aural-rape that is “Barbie Girl,” not even that Nickelback song.

Sports: Granted, you are clearly light years ahead in the greatest sport in the world (badminton), but I think you’ll find that we have done fairly well against you in other sports. Like, say, ummm, I don’t know, March 25, 2007, at the Women’s Curling World Championship playoffs, when we handed your asses to you in an 8–4 win for the GOLD MEDAL!! Remember the name Madeleine Dupont? You may remember her making a tremendous shot, removing two Canadian rocks from the four-foot and ending up shot and behind the cover of one Danish rock and a Canadian rock. In yo’ muthafuckin’ face!

Food: Frikadeller (pronounced frek-ka-delluh) aka your Danish version of meatballs, are almost universally served with boiled white potatoes and gravy (your “brun sovs”) accompanied by creamed, white cabbage. WTF? Anyone can clearly see that this meat, potato and creamed veggie combo is just a lame attempt to rip off our pâté chinois. What’s wrong Denmark, never heard of layering? If there were food police, I’m sure they would get all CSI on your ass for this.

Racism: Those Danish cartoons depicting the Islamic prophet Muhammad brought the Muslim world into an uproar. Your editors defended the cartoons as a response to “widening fears and feelings of intimidation in dealing with issues related to Islam.” C’mon guys, if you really wanted to create a dialogue with the Muslim community, you should have done what any civilized society would do: publish a list of societal norms that say things like, “We do not stone women to death here.” See? Problem solved.

Geography: You have a town called Middelfart, we have Pecker’s Point, Newfoundland. That’s sort of a tie. But let’s talk size: the area of Denmark is 43,094 square kilometres. Canada: 9,976,140. Basically, we’re 231-and-a-half times bigger than you. So what if most of it is uninhabited, cold and unwelcoming? We’re bigger than you, get it?

So yeah, that’s it in a nutshell. Please, try not to let this certainly non-exhaustive list be too much of a bummer. There’s no reason to get too down on yourself, Denmark. Besides I’d hate to think I contributed a little sadness to the so-called happiest place on Earth.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca