THIS WEEK: CHOM, Helix,
Starvin’ Hungry!

PLUS: GFE!!

M Yeah, I know it’s been said many times in many ways, but CHOM SUCKS. There’s nothing good about that station. I like rock ’n’ roll, how come the only rock ’n’ roll station in town sucks? How come I hate the only rock ’n’ roll station in town? If you want to hear rock ’n’ roll, you can go to the Casa del Popolo on Tuesday nights or the Madhatter on Wednesday nights or Foufounes Electriques on Tuesday nights—but you can’t listen to it on the radio. [BLEEP!]

M It’s so nice to see Helix’s former truck driver jumping up and down to defend their honour. Listen, you didn’t have to be born in the ’70s to see how bad that band sucks. What I’d really like to know is where does the truck driver fit in on the great chain of heavy metal groupies? I bet you must have banged some disgusting Dunkin’ Donuts waitress out back behind the dumpster along the way, eh? Along the Trans-Canada? Some BUCK-TOOTHED BEAVER representing the national icon? Also, do you know Ricky from Trailer Park Boys? He’s the last living Helix fan that I’m aware of. The thing about people who would defend Helix in general is that they are also people who wear KISS t-shirts and who watch WWE religiously. You know who I’m talking about: the kind of bald Mediterranean guys walking downtown wearing muscle shirts that embrace their gut, black jeans, studs everywhere, basically a fuckin’ geek dipped in black ink. So I would just suggest to you that if you really think the new Helix album is worthy of anything other than a laugh, then you should look at yourself in the mirror, look deep into your own eyes, and ask yourself exactly what a fuckin’ waste your whole life has been. [BLEEP!]

F Hello, someone invited me to come out to a show that I KNOW NOTHING about and it turned out to be Starvin’ Hungry at l’Escogriffe. People were actually dancing and I hadn’t rocked out like that for a long time! A really way too long time. I wish there were more shows with more bands that were tight like that and have good energy and an amazing drummer. Their drummer was really, really amazing. So yeah, more shows like that one. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I’m calling to complain about THIEVES in the Old Port. My car got broken into after a concert and people stole a bass, an electric guitar and an acoustic guitar. The main thing I want back is the discs that they stole from my recording device. Two SD cards that were taken from a concert, Ladies of the Canyon, NDG Philharmonic and Sonic Cinema. I want those discs back. Bring them to Ram at Grumpy’s. Drop them off, no questions asked. They are not your music. Please stop stealing musical equipment. People work hard to do this stuff. It’s not right. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I know you don’t normally do this but it’s such a unique item, I thought I’d give it a shot anyway. I had a bass STOLEN. It’s got seven strings and an intricate abalone inlay running the length of the fretboard with griffins and a fountain and a DRAGON ON THE HEADSTOCK in natural wood. If anybody sees it in their travels, please call [leaves phone number, contact Rant Line™ with tip]. Obviously I’ll pay cash for it. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Man, forget about weed, the blow in this city is awesome. I got the best connections! Except I’m completely RUINING my life. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is a question for our Weed Snob who left a rant. I buy my weed on the mountain from the guys that are selling up there and I was wondering if that’s advisable or unadvisable? Is their weed decent or should I be looking elsewhere? And if I should be looking elsewhere, can you give me at least a hint of where or what I should look for, to make sure I’m smoking the GOOD STUFF. And when I say good stuff, I mean stuff that has the least chemicals possible, or the least trashy, garbage, hazardous-to-your-health-type weed. I don’t mean just weed to get fucked up and crazy on. Thanks, ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just wanted to let someone know that I took a PUKE in the park next to my house and the puke spelled out my name. And if that ain’t something I don’t know what is. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I was wondering if anyone noticed on the JOLT COLA, the recommended dose in English reads one can per day but in French it says to drink one to two cans per day. I’m just wondering if it’s because the French need more caffeine to get started or what? Anyway. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to the dude who was asking what GFE means in the classified ads, it’s GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE. But if she’s really hot, it means good for everything. Have a good one. [BLEEP!]

M GFE means the girl provides girlfriend experience. PSE stands for PORN STAR EXPERIENCE. And when an ad says a girl also speaks Greek, they’re not talking about the language. [BLEEP!]

M A GFE is a girlfriend experience, meaning she’ll probably KISS you—unlike most hookers, who won’t kiss you at all. Although most of you guys who have girlfriends out there, they probably don’t kiss you anymore either. So have a good day. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, to the skank-ass pussy that’s asking about the GFE, it’s called the girlfriend experience, and that’s where she pulls back the foreskin and cleans off the fuckin’ SMEGMA bullshit that her man hasn’t polished off in years and then after that cooks him some fucking breakfast and then gets the fuck out of the house. [BLEEP!]

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