Whacks in the stacks

When approaching a man seated at a computer in a school library having himself a care-free wank, security guards probably expected the man to stop, pull some dog-eared tome or another over himself or otherwise try to get rid of the evidence. Instead, he casually said, “I’m almost done. Can I finish?”

Another attorney might have asked whether or not the man had been allowed to finish. But no such lawyer was in the Winnipeg courtroom during the hearings of the public pud-tugger.

The unrepentant 26-year-old was caught lube-handed in a University of Manitoba campus library. At the time homeless, and timelessly mentally infirm, the man’s own testimony described the incident succinctly enough: “I was just sitting at a computer, downloading a few things and I got a little horny,” the man told Provincial Court Judge Tim Preston, adding, “I do it all the time.”

Having entered a guilty plea, the man was sentenced to time-served, plus six months probation. Arguing against the leniency, the man said if he wasn’t sent to jail he would wank again. Preston then warned him against “masturbating in a library or anywhere else.”

by Scott Saxon