Les agents
provocatives

by RAF KATIGBAK

Quebec provincial police admitted Thursday that three of their officers disguised themselves as demonstrators during the protest at the North American leaders summit in Montebello, QC. Footage of the undercover police has been posted on YouTube.

In what is to be expected to be the first in series of follow-up accusations from local rights groups, gay organization Fière/Cité has come forward and accused the Quebec provincial police of planting undercover officers in the Montreal gay pride parade, with the intent to maliciously incite random acts of heterosexuality.

Fière/Cité leader Martin St-Claire (who performs under the name Ophilia Harden) says he has video proof. “We have footage that shows the Sûreté planted at least three undercover officers in the parade. All three of them tried to destroy the spirit of the parade by committing blatant acts of straightness, in full view of the public.”

The video was posted on YouTube last week and was shown at a press conference/gay bingo night on Monday in the Village. It shows three burly men dressed flamboyantly, but hitting on women and handing out copies of Playboy, all the while attempting to speak loudly with other confused participants about baseball statistics and hockey pools.

In a statement to the press St-Claire said, “I have no problem with straight people attending the parade. But if you’re coming in and looking gay, and then you start making out with random women and asking the local lesbian activist group to make out in front of you, that’s where I draw the line. I mean, it’s confusing enough with all these metrosexuals running around with perfectly sculpted facial hair, and muscle tees pulled taught over their perfectly toned, sweaty bodies…”

St-Claire stated that organizers were able to spot the undercover officers because of inconsistencies in their mode of dress. “There was a tall one in a tiny blue Speedo, a feather boa and a pair of Doc Marten Sandals… That’s when we knew he was a cop. I mean, puh-lease: Doc Marten sandals? That was sooo five years ago.

“Another officer was dressed as Cabaret-era Liza Minnelli, but he was huge, and he didn’t even bother shaving off his moustache. I don’t know why he just didn’t walk with the leather daddies or even the bears for that matter; my only guess is he just really wanted to be Liza.

“The last one was the toughest to spot, he was dressed as a sexy cop. But the fact that he had a real gun and kept waving it around telling guys to back off when they slapped his ass was the first giveaway.”

At one point in the video, St-Claire confronts the three officers, accuses them of being “breeders in disguise,” and tries unsuccessfully to pull one of their wigs off. Proof, he says, that they were cops. “To be fair,” admitted St-Claire, “even if they weren’t cops, there’s no way your going to pull off a queen’s wig without a fight.”

St-Claire suggested that the cops were there to discredit the gay festivities and to try and turn gays straight with their behaviour. “They probably didn’t realize that you can’t turn a gay man straight by acting straight—fags LOVE straight men, we like a challenge.

“If the cops want to join the parade as cops, that’s fine. Just don’t try and pretend you’re gay and walk around with fake pride, you won’t be welcome. Except maybe the tall one in the Speedo, he was delicious, he can stay.”

In a surprising turn of events, Quebec provincial police admitted to using undercover cops during the parade. “Yes, it’s true that we had cops dressed in Speedos, feather boas and Oakley wraparounds,” admitted police spokesperson Jean LaMotte. “But they were not armed, and did not use any kind of deadly force. Unless you count using Super Soakers to sometimes gleefully moisten the pectoral areas of other men.

“We would never condone the blatant use of heterosexuality, it’s not in our mandate,” he continued. “The police were there for the protection of the gays. We love gays!”

When asked if Mr. LaMotte himself was gay, he replied empathically, “I most certainly am NOT!” And with increasing discomfort added, “I mean, um, don’t get me wrong, one of my best friends is, y’know, a gay.”

Since Fière/Cité’s statement, other public event organizers have come forward with accusations of undercover police disruption, including organizers of the annual Twins Parade for the Just For Laughs festival. “There was one pair that I could tell were cops,” said one witness. “I mean, they looked nothing alike, one was black and the other guy was Chinese, for chrissake!”

The police had no comment.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca