THIS WEEK: Public Enemy, Helix,
Jack Herer!

PLUS: Biker vs. tagger!!

M Yeah, Maverick calling, regarding Rupert Bottenberg’s little CD review of Helix’s latest. Apparently, Rupert, you’re not really old enough to appreciate Helix. I DROVE TRUCK for them in ’87 on their tour when they were pushing their Wild in the Streets album. They’re a kick-ass band, they’ve been around a long time and I’m sure you can appreciate anyone who’s still doing it. Take, for example, Aerosmith. Take, for example, Ozzy Osbourne. You’re entitled to your opinion, but don’t come out in the paper and blast a band whose been working their asses off for longer than you’ve probably been alive. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up Rant Line™? I’m so stoked that in the past couple of weeks there have been rants referencing old hip hop. Last week it was the Chuck D quote dissing Elvis, the week before that it was somebody propping the Ice T show. Now listen to me very closely hip hop fans: The new Public Enemy album is so fucking phat it’s un-fucking-believable! I’m so FRIGHTENED that this is going to fall upon deaf ears and the new generation is going to sleep on it. This is their best album of new material since 1999’s There’s a Poison Goin’ On, and it may very well be their best album since Fear of a Black Planet. It is better than Apocalypse ’91. Holy fuck, I cannot believe what a resurgence old-school hip hop is making—actually, what is considered old-school today is actually nu-school. People, please, this album is so good that if this was their debut album they would make a whole new legion of fans. This album is monumental, it is a friggin’ masterpiece, it keeps getting better and better. And there’s a cover of the ‘60s song “Eve of Destruction.” What?! Even the three Flava Flav solos are phat. Even the instrumental interludes are incredibly inspired! Please people, this is some Parliament/Funkadelic-type shit! This makes everything else that may have been questionable as a Public Enemy release, it makes it all go away. This album is the shit. Public motha-fuckin’ Enemy will never die! Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is about the La Grand Terrasse, which is a place I used to go to but I will not go to again in the Place Jacques Cartier, Le Vieux Montreal. I ordered a $5 cranberry juice and after 45 minutes with the place half empty I was asked to leave, not very politely, because I guess I wasn’t consuming enough. Please note I’m not sad for myself, at the moment I can take it—I am sad for HUMANITY, I’m sad for Montreal. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is a message for the guy who’s trying to say that jackhair weed is the shit. It is not spelled jackhair as in your hair. It’s JACKHARE as in a rabbit, like a wild hare. Sorry to be a weed snob but it is what it is. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, it’s JACK HERER, named after the famous hemp activist who is still alive in the States. And don’t blame the drugs. [BLEEP!]

M I just read the rant about the weed in Montreal being too strong and I’ve just got to say what the fuck? I’ve been smoking weed here for so long and I can’t ever seem to get high enough or find strong enough weed. All I’ve got to say is go back to the States or Toronto or wherever you came from. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is incredible. I just read the rant about the weed giving panic attacks. I’ve been smoking weed for 15 years now and I’m 29, and only now has weed started to bring me panic attacks too. But I don’t blame the weed, I blame me. I think if you smoke too much weed in the end it will FLIP on you, give you the opposite effect. So if you’re getting panic attacks, it’s not that the weed is too strong, it’s you that’s been smoking too much weed. So you better quit. Or just drink. [BLEEP!]

M Buddy can’t handle our weed? It’s some of the best weed in the world! You’re a pussy. Out. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to the little B-boy punk fucker who took a big fat coloured marker and tagged his illegible scripture on the gas tank of my motorcycle. Unfortunately for you, I went around and did a little investigating and I know who you are. I’m going to take that fat fucking marker of yours and I’m going to ram it up your fucking ass. But because I’m a nice guy I’m going to give you fair warning. Fucker, stay out of the Plateau! I know exactly what you look like, I know your name, I even know what your stupid shitty graffiti fuckin’ said. Yeah, I’m the one with the silver BMW bike on Saint-Dominique street that you wrote all over. And it’s because of assholes like you that hip hop has a STIGMA hanging over it’s head. Everybody doesn’t trust them, the bars have to put extra security, we don’t even get half the hip hop shows in Montreal that we should because of you unstable, inconsiderate, rotten bastards. Graffiti is not a form of art, it’s a form of vandalism. It’s a thug, punk thing to do and if you want to be a punk, go to fuckin’ Compton. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, they passed a law so girls can go topless in Ontario because everybody knows no girl is going to go topless in Ontario. But they will never pass a law here in Montreal or Quebec because they know there would be shitloads of girls doing it all the time. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Dudes, I’m reading the Mirror and in the back they keep saying that they’re hiring GFE GIRLS in the adult help section, okay? But what is a GFE? What does that stand for? I’ve been reading these ads for a long time and this is a new thing. Please tell me. I’m totally dying of curiosity. [BLEEP!]

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