THIS WEEK: Mastodon, Maysr,
MEG, Mother’s Park!

PLUS: Pot and panic attacks!!

M What do you mean Montreal has no music scene. Obviously you never saw the Sainte Catherines blow the Mad Caddies off the stage a couple of weeks ago. Obviously, you never heard the first three guitar riffs off the Priestess album. Obviously you never heard DJ Maysr spin it up, man, because that guy’s a master selector. Go out and find out what Montreal is about. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, you dudes who are looking for country and western music. On August 26 there will be no country music in Girouard park in NDG—it’s going to be held at that triangular park at Sherbrooke and Hampton. It’s kind of small but that’s where it is. It used to be called MOTHER’S PARK back in the hippie-dippie days of the ’60s. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M I remember when I first heard that CHOM was going to have a late-night metal show, I was totally psyched. I figured I’d hear some Mastodon, High on Fire, wicked cutting-edge shit. On my way home from work today I hear that they’re giving away Scorpions tickets and they’re interviewing Peter Criss from KISS. Give me a break! That’s not heavy metal. Anything that’s in the regular CHOM rotation during the day does not constitute for the metal show at night. CHOM still sucks. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, it was 30 years ago the planet earth became a little less cooler because the King of Rock ‘n Roll, Elvis Aaron Presley, died. So everybody should go home, comb their hair, fuck their woman, put on an Elvis song, pop some pills and die on the throne. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Elvis was a hero to most but he never meant shit to me. You see, straight up racist, that sucker was, simple and plain, motherfuck him and John Wayne. Chuck D, 1989. [BLEEP!]

M Why is MEG Osheaga or Osheaga is MEG? I don’t understand. Somebody help me. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, why is it that so many songs, rock or alternative, start with someone waking up this morning and realizing something? I mean, seriously. It’s such a formula you’re not doing yourself any fucking credit by starting a song like that. [BLEEP!]

M To the girl who says it’s not illegal to SHOW YOUR BREASTS in Montreal. Number one, only in the province of Ontario is it legal. Number two, at the last Dayglo Abortions show, there were 10 girls on stage showing their breasts and one that was naked. This was in a live show in a bar where it’s illegal to do it. They were still doing it. Guys weren’t trying to be all perverts and stuff. And guess what? It was at a punk show. Oh my God. You think they’d rape them but no, they didn’t. Not every guy is like that. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. I’m calling about all of the disgusting men in this city who find it necessary to scream and holler and make sounds at girls walking past when it’s hot outside because we’re showing a little bit MORE SKIN than usual. It’s disgusting. There seems to be a plethora of men doing this, it’s like Montreal is a breeding ground for this behaviour. It’s disgusting and I think it should end. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is for the guy complaining about the weed being too strong. That’s how we do it in Mtl, son. Try the JACKHAIR, shit sends niggaz to the hospital. Word. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy complaining about Montreal’s SWEET WEED. Are you normal? [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this is a rant for the guy who loves his pot but is getting crazy PANIC ATTACKS. Well, I happened to speak to a doctor regarding this and he said that it’s actually possible. But it’s less to do with the pot than it is with the person. For some people, pot is going to calm your anxiety attacks and for some people, it’ll give them to you. So you might want to consider cutting down on that if that’s the effect it’s having on you. Because it’s not actually the pot. Sorry. Have a good one. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. This is the alleged hipster anglophone asshole ringleader who the B.C. guy complained about. Listen, B.C. guy, you and your mommy have got to stop making so many assumptions. By sitting two feet away from us and lighting up, your mom assumed that we wouldn’t mind the smoke. We didn’t mean to offend—I don’t consider EXAGGERATED COUGHING to be bullying. You speak like you can size people up in one glance and clearly you’re terrible at it. I’m neither anglophone nor unemployed or class-privileged. I’m a French Canadian who works with kids with learning disabilities in the Arctic. Yeah, I’m one of those grandma-visiting, ice-fishing, parka-sewing, Brownie leader, nerdy-ass sisters. Uh huh. [BLEEP!]

M This is Mr. Montreal. This is for all the diehard Montrealers out there. There should be a song about Montreal and how we fucking party because you know what, California knows how to party, my fucking ass, okay? In this fucking city I’ve never seen more fucking fucked up people out there that know how to fucking party more than anywhere else in the fucking world. Fuck this shit. Montreal! [BLEEP!]

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Call or fax 271-RANT (7268).