THIS WEEK: Dinky boys, topless girls,
voyeurs, country music!

PLUS: Definitive Deep Purple review!!

M Ok, so a few Wednesdays ago I go out to take a walk downtown, I see Ice T is playing. What is that?! O.G.’s in Montreal on the island, goddamn, new jack hustler’s playing his thing. I mean, it was a DOPE show. That guy’s still got his shit going, I think since the ‘80s he’s been kicking his shit. Still the O.G. Original gangster. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello, my name is Hector and I just wanted to say that I have a rant on the local music scene. I think mostly the local music scene sucks. Thank god for great groups that have come from abroad. Like recently I went to a DEEP PURPLE concert and what a concert that it was. For a band that enjoys playing with fire, Deep Purple doesn’t get burned very often. Often one step away from over-the-top absurdity, the Duracell-powered British quintet could rival the worst progressive rock excesses if their frequency was not fine-tuned. But at the Bell Centre, they proved the virtue of listening, as each player respected the others and reminded us that classic rock can be dramatic without being BLOATED. What strikes me about Deep Purple is that “Woman from Tokyo” still sounds so vibrant. Indeed, all evening long songs from long ago, while stripped of their initial thrill, were performed with complete conviction. “Strange Kind of Woman,” “Perfect Strangers,” even “Smoke on the Water,” they all sounded fresh. Thank God for groups like that who are still around and not all that crappy music that they play nowadays. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M This is Rats from Voices of Death. I just wanted to say that lady cops are absolutely beautiful. You are so beautiful and those uniforms completely turn me on. Please arrest me. I always have weed on me. Arrest me on sight. I long to be in your handcuffs and one day I’m going to make one of you my wife. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M To the person looking for country music. There are more country music acts here than you can shake a stick at. Andrea Revel, United Steel Workers, Ladies of the Canyon, just to name a few. Go down to Grumpy’s if you’re downtown or Barfly if you’re on the Plateau and they’ll be sure to point you in the right direction. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, how y’all doing? I’m just calling in for the person who’s wondering where the country music scene is in Montreal. On Monday nights it’s at the Wheel Club at the corner of Cavendish and Sherbrooke. On Thursday nights it’s at Grumpy’s. And on Sundays it’s at the Barfly. And on August 26, it’s Country en Ville in Girouard Park in NDG, all kinds of live country music right here down home. [BLEEP!]

F Um, okay, why are boys such fucking DINKS these days? It’s like everyone you encounter—could be 20, could be 30, could be 40, could be 50—they’re all fucking dinky. And I’m sorry, I blame the fucking chicas, because these 20-something bitches think they invented sex and like, what is your fucking problem? I’m so fed up. [BLEEP!]

F This is a message for the radical queer army of lovers. I applaud and support your project and I just want to say there are two reasons I can only cheer you on from the sidelines. One, I found this liberal yet monogamous person to be with who cares for me better than anybody including my own family ever has and two, I have GENITAL HERPES. So please don’t be insulted if I don’t cruise, flirt, accept sexual invitations or stick around for those end of night make-out sessions. I really love you guys, you’re hot, and I hope your numbers increase until bad sex, like the kind that gave me a disease, ceases to exist. Rock on. Piles of big sticky love. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I wouldn’t have sex with that CRACKER HORSE. I like the dark meat. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, I was just on Park avenue with my son and I saw this really, really gross old SWEATY MAN with blonde hair, glasses and a really shady demeanor looking at me very creepily. So I checked him out and stared at him until I realized what he was doing. This really BUXOM woman passed by and out from his pocket came a little tiny CAMERA on a keychain and he took a picture of her! Which is probably what he was doing to me or my son or both of us in Dollarama. So I just want to warn all of you Mile-Enders to be very aware of these VOYEURISTIC DISGUSTO guys who are probably porning you on the Internet. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy who woke me up around midnight, screeching his tires, revving his engine, thinking he was all macho gangster, waking up the neighbours and then BANGS into two cars in Fielding. Yeah, that’s entertainment. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, dude, I’m pretty sure women are allowed to go topless in Montreal. We just don’t because you guys would never shut up about it if we did. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up with the weed here? It’s too fucking strong. I’m getting panic attacks. I can’t even go to the grocery store and buy POTATOES and not have a panic attack. What’s wrong with the fucking weed here? Please? Am I normal? [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local scene?
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Call or fax 271-RANT (7268).