We are what we eat

by RAF KATIGBAK

That’s it. Forget it. Game over. I’m never eating anything ever again. That’s right, nothing, ever. No, this is not some kind of new extreme diet brought on by the recent acquisition of love handles (brought on by the recent acquisition of my scooter). This is just my fear of eating, well, just about everything. Cardboard in Chinese food? Botulism in chili? Saturated fats, trans fats and Olestra? Look, if I wanted to worry about side effects like anal leakage, I’d spend more time at the Sauna St-Hubert.

Well, okay, the cardboard-in-Chinese-food story turned out to be fake, but it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, would it? I mean, considering most North Americans wouldn’t even eat some of the stuff that’s actually on a Chinatown menu, why are people freaking out over a paper dumpling? I remember offering a delicious dish of snails in black bean sauce to a guest from Virginia, which he respectfully declined. “Umm, no thanks,” he said, “Where I come from, we use them for bait.”

But it seems that the more you read the news, the scarier the idea of putting something in your mouth becomes. Since when did eating become such a life-threatening endeavour? To paraphrase Eddie Murphy: Are we coming to a time when we just put something in our mouth and our head just explodes? Almost every day, something we thought was good for us turns out to actually be pretty bad. Eat spinach! Oh no, spinach has E.coli! Take statins to lower your cholesterol! Oh no, that gives you an increased risk of cancer. Well, just go for a swim at the pool! Oh no, more E.coli. Is there anything we can do?

This calls for something beyond vegetarianism, beyond veganism, and certainly beyond the dumpster-diving frugality of freegansim. Well, I guess we can just stop eating. But how? That Olsen twin tried it, look what it did for her career! And what about all those kids in Africa I see on TV? They’re staving, but their bellies are HUGE! I guess sometimes you just can’t win.

For a while I was convinced there’s gotta be a safe way to starve. Then my friend told me about something that could save the day. He said that there is a man named Wiley Brooks who teaches a method where you can subsist on nothing but air.

Oh yes my friends, I’m converting to “breatharianism.”

Well, I thought I would until I checked out the Web site: “A breatharian is a person who can, under the proper conditions, live with or without eating physical food.” Pretty straight forward so far. “How hard could that be?” I thought. Well, according to Brooks, pretty simple: there are five magical 5th Dimensional words, see, with which “you have to start meditating with for at least 30 minutes a day to begin with, and increase your meditatiing (sic) time to 2 hours a day as soon as possible. Repeat them in the exact order that they are.” Okay, got it. Simple enough, right? It’s some kind of transcending the physical through enlightenment thing. Oh yeah, and there’s one other thing:

“Do the meditation excersize (sic) before drinking lots of diet coke in the 20 oz and 1 liter sizes (with caffeine) in the plastic bottles only. Along with a double-quarter-pounder with cheese meal at McDonald’s only. Always meditate 30 mins to an hour before eating. Try to eat at least one meal a day for a while. Go back to my Web site periodically to see if you can start to feel the magic after reading a few paragraphs.”

“IMPORTANT NOTE: DO NOT DRINK WATER OF ANY KIND OR FROM ANY SOURCE AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, DO NOT EAT ANY FRUITS OR VEGETABLES DOING THIS REGIME!!!”

Understandably, I was befuddled. So, you can subsist on air, only if you meditate before drinking diet Coke and a double-quarter-pounder with cheese meal from McDonald’s for a while without water or veggies or fruit. What?! Why this particular meal? Well, luckily there is an FAQ on the site that tells all.

The answer? Also pretty simple: We’re all 5th Dimensional beings who fell to the 3rd Dimensional Earth Prime. (Earth Prime is the original planet Earth on its original growth path, which is now completely in the 5th Dimension. Transition Earth is the interdimensional planetary reality, which has a combination of 3rd, 4th & 5th dimensional qualities. Fallback Earth is 3rd dimensional and falling in vibration frequency. Get it?) We need this 3D food to bring us back to our 5D realities. Okay, maybe it’s a little confusing. In short, Brooks states, “YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT” and “The secret in the diet coke is the ‘LIQUID LIGHT’ Duh!!!!” For more, check out www.breatharian.com.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca