This week: Fishbone, smoking, hipsters!

Plus: Report claims that female cops are
getting better looking!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Yo, this is for the guy who’s talking shit about the clubs in Montreal and how in the hip hop clubs you can’t wear a HAT. The whole reason that you can’t wear hats is because they don’t want anyone to mistake your stupid ass for a gang member. They’re keeping you from getting SHOT. You think you’re hip hop, man, why don’t you learn how to hold it down before you talk shit? [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this TOENAIL MUSIC KID is a genius! I hope that makes some of you hipster douchebags reconsider before you jump on bandwagons. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is going out to Toenail. I can’t believe you really took the time to make a MySpace page of you playing guitar with a tube sock and piano with a dictionary. I really think you should find something better to do with your time. To make a full MySpace page on noise music even though you don’t like it? This is serious proof that you really are a douchebag. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’ve lived here my whole life in Montreal and I’ve really been hating it lately—the influx of stupid attitude from every other city but our own trying to make Montreal into something that it’s not. But that said, the other night I was proud to be a Montrealer whilst gazing upon the legendary FISHBONE and all the great people that go to every show when they roll through town. The energy was amazing—they should really become a staple of the Jazz Fest. All the people dancing, slamming into each other with a nice smile on their face, no stupid boots to the head, no anal people standing there trying to guard their own personal space. It unfolded wonderfully, and it’s got to be about the ninth time I’ve seen them. I’ll catch the family hood on the next go-round. [BLEEP!]

M Fuck the tobacco law. You know why? You can’t smoke a joint in a show anymore and it’s goddamn annoying. It used to be, you’re in a club, you’re at a concert, everybody’s smoking dope, the city was great for that. Now, you light up one measly little fucking one-paper PINNER at the goddamn Fishbone concert and you’ve got some stupid skinny 19-year-old twerp up in your face trying to boot you out of the place! It used to be the stupid aggro bouncers didn’t even have to do their job but now, because of clean air, you can’t have a little reefer up at a show!? For a concert? Anyways, Fishbone rules. Law 138, or whatever it is, rots. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I know everybody’s sick of hearing about HIPSTERS in Montreal, but this goes to the five hipster anglophone assholes who were sitting in Reservoir by the window while we were upstairs. They decided to BULLY and hassle my 65-year-old mom who was visiting from B.C. because her cigarette smoke was going into their area. They were citing legislation and laws and all kinds of bullshit when we told them they should respect their elders. It’s pathetic. They’re living in some weird little class-privilege bubble! What is it with these hipsters who want to live in a police state? They need to fucking get out more or get jobs or do something with their lives. [BLEEP!]

M My daughter can’t sleep, my dog is freaking out and it sounds like the goddamned WAR OF 1812 out there. Enough with the stupid fireworks competition. Fireworks are lame, they’re bad for the environment and they make the whole East End sound like a war zone. End the fireworks competition! No more! [BLEEP!]

F Hi, my name is Christine and I live in the Plateau and I keep seeing this dude with a NECK TATTOO beating his pit bull. This is why pit bulls get such a bad rap. Guys like you who ruin it for others who love their dog. Why are you beating your dog anyway? Is it because you’re ugly and you can’t get a girlfriend or because you can’t get a job because of your neck tattoo? You should get a punching bag because they don’t have any feelings and you don’t have to walk them. [BLEEP!]

M This is for that chick who was talking about how all the people in the Urban section at HMV don’t know what the hell they’re talking about and how Lil’ Wayne has won a spot on her CD rotation. Uh, reading your rant actually gave me a BONER. I was wondering maybe if you’d like to do something some time? [BLEEP!]

M I just discovered something very scary. I got an APPLE and I washed it and I brought it to work and I went to eat it and I realized there’s a LABEL on the fucking apple. When I pulled off that label, I realized that it wasn’t washed under that label! Is it possible people are catching salmonella from not washing under the company name label that they stick on the fruit!? They’re incubating the disease under the label! This is a whole new area of science to explore. Now I’m really worried, fuck. Now you see why I was fucking calling the Rant Line. My God. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Moe calling from the bathroom at his job. I was just wondering what’s going on with all these HOT QUEBECER LADY COPS? I haven’t seen an ugly cop in several weeks and I was just curious as to what was going on. Why are all these hot ladies applying for the police task force? Let me know, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

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