This week: His Master’s Voice, Toenail, scabies!

Plus: Old people asked to hurry up!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Wow. Instead of a lifestyle change or some money, Madonna and her stupid cronies have decided that what the environment needs is a 24-hour concert. She sucks and all those musicians that played with her suck. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m calling from Jazz Fest. I’m at the free stage on Saturday night, the last weekend, it’s 10 o’clock, there’s a great band playing called NOMO and it’s been an amazing Afrobeat night. But for some reason, the Jazz Fest organizers wouldn’t let the band get off the stage and do a little WEAVE through the audience to play their instruments. Security stopped them. Apparently we can all stand here and drink alcohol and listen to them and that’s fine and dandy but the minute musicians get off the stage, look out Montreal, all hell breaks loose. That’s pretty lame. [BLEEP!]

M I was wondering if anybody has spotted a t-shirt of the MUSICAL YOUTH from the 1980s? I would like to know where I could get one. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the guy who said I’m a douchebag because I don’t like noise music. Go to MySpace.com/toenailmusic and there you will find two recordings I’ve done at home. One of them is me rubbing a TUBE SOCK on my guitar and the other one is me banging a dictionary on my piano. I have an entire page full of positive comments from noise fans and I even had one chick write me to even come down and play a noise show in Ontario with her. This should be proof enough that you are all retarded and this garbage can be done by anyone. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F What up, gangsters and gangettes and my fucking bagel shop factory faggots, I want to know who the fuck is Jonas, and why am I reading continuous rants about him? I’m picturing some fucking, you know, Bounty man out in the middle of the woods kind of lumberjack motherfucker crossed with a little Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. Let’s stop the madness. And, second, AIDS Wolf, how does someone attach AIDS to your fucking group name, you fucking idiots, man? Get more creative and, at least, attach something with good energy. Karma’s a bitch. Third of all, HMV—why is it called His Master’s Voice? All right? I’m about to burn the motherfucker down and show them that PUSSY runs the world! And why is it that every employee that works the Urban section does not know fuck sweet all about rap, cannot direct me to the CD that’s going to make my fucking BOOTY get the fuck up and shake, you understand? And I gotta say, I hate saying this, but Lil’ Wayne has won a spot in my CD rotation. The motherfucker is completely ridiculous but I’m bumping his shit. Fuck, bitches, get money, roll easy, man, he’s a firestarter. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is for the ignorant fucks talking about mixed race. All I got to say is do your homework. Like Chuck D said on Fear of a Black Planet, black man, white woman, black baby/white woman, black man, black baby. We’re all in the same boat so stop hating, you fucking cannibals. [BLEEP!]

M To all these dudes, girls, guys, whatever, of mixed race, you’re not of mixed race! I’m sorry, but you belong to what’s called the HUMAN SPECIES. Race is over. I don’t know if you are stuck in the 1950s, but it is time to realize that in about 20–30 years there won’t be any more races. There won’t be any more Chinese people, there won’t be any more Pakis, we’ll all be one person, because we’re all mixed together and mingling, all learning from each other and profiting from that. If a guy is half-white and half-black, he has a right to call himself whatever he wants. He can call himself white, he can call himself black. But I’ve got a better idea, he should call himself a human. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, this is to all the old motherfuckers crossing the street: move your ass, some of us have a life, motherfuckers! [BLEEP!]

F Okay, Montreal has built a giant set for any subsequent Cremaster series in Jeanne Mance park to try to boost film production dollars. So while we wait for the master of boring fetish and creepy anticipation to walk our emerald lawns, the strong plastic winds are making our SWEET CHILDREN DIZZY. Someone should dig it up and deliver it to the door of whoever’s awesome idea it was or just take it away and we don’t have to play the blame game. Let Westmount park still be a real park with a real field. I bet citizens would rather do VOLUNTARY LAWN MAINTENANCE than hold their breath while they sprint past the glue factory. I’m sure tax-paying parents would prefer a Tide commercial’s worth of mud and grass stains to mysterious rashes, asthma and allergies. The mountain liked it better natural. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™. I’m just calling to talk about an issue that’s really important to my life: SCABIES. What is most important is that I have them. Basically, it’s the most horrible thing in the world. There’s only a few people in my inner circle that I’m really willing to tell, so I’d just like to warn pretty much everyone in Montreal that there are scabies out there, and to stay away from people, don’t wear their clothes and don’t even stand too close to people—especially me. I could be anyone. [BLEEP!]

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