This week: Hustlers, blackity-black, Bagheera!

Plus: Hats and hoodies defended!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M What’s with KEVIN DEAN playing at the Jazz Festival this year? This is a guy who’s always criticized the festival, said it sucks, there’s no jazz, nobody goes there to see the music, nobody likes jazz music. And then he gets a gig there and he goes and plays. Wow, how the mighty have fallen. Money talks, I guess. [BLEEP!]

M I’ll tell you why people play noise music. It’s so we don’t have to hear you fucking little bitches whining and complaining all the time. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, to that douchebag who doesn’t like noise bands and feedback. Stay home, tune your radio to Mix 96 and shut the fuck up. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, hello, this is Stan Fresh. This rant is about all the whack clubs in Montreal that call themselves hip hop venues and don’t allow jeans, hoodies or hats. I think it’s a bunch of crap. This is hip hop! Since when is hip hop TOO POSH for hats and hoodies? This is what makes us as a culture and it needs to stop right now. I ain’t going to no club that doesn’t allow me—and I don’t even wear hats—or my homeboys or anybody to wear hats or hoodies. That’s bullshit. That’s not hip hop. Don’t even play that. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I am a bouncer on St-Laurent. I don’t have a fauxhawk but I am bouncer and I’ll tell you one thing right now: if I see some idiot PUKING on the street, they’re not getting in my bar. And you know what? You’re more than welcome to come right up to me and call me a jerk, because I still won’t let you in the bar. I dare you, you stupid idiots. And what kind of a guy has an EATING DISORDER where he has to puke on the street? Stupid prima donna fag. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the dude who wanted to know what exactly is a dude who HUSTLES. A dude who hustles is a dude who makes money not the regular nine-to-five way. Whether it be selling pirated DVDs, coke, crack or even ho’s, it’s a dude who does what he has to do to get by. [BLEEP!]

F To the MIXED RACE expert. Thank you for clarifying which race I am. I’ve been confused for a while, but now I know I have the best of both worlds. I’m not just black, I’m white too. Jealous? [BLEEP!]

M Nigga, please. If you aren’t BLACKITY-BLACK, blue-black, dark black, black, midnight black, you got some white in you too. No one is black unless you from Africa, you’re born in Africa and ain’t got no white in your family. So you’re talking about, like, “Oh, if you have a white father and a black mother, you’re a white person and you’re not black.” Ever hear of Jim Crow? One teaspoon of BLACK BLOOD means you’re black. White people don’t think mixed people are white—are you crazy? How old are you? Jesus. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is in response to the girl who wanted to know what the name of the black panther is in The Jungle Book. It’s Bagheera. And he was, like, a total prick to MOWGLI, by the way. [BLEEP!]

M The name of the panther in The Jungle Book is Bagheera. It’s voiced by SEBASTIAN CABOT. Go read the book by Rudyard Kipling, it’s much better. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, I’m working as a mover and I’d like to rant about all these rich, pampered, yuppie scumbags—or even younger than yuppie scumbags—who hire people to come and sweat their balls off for them for 12 hours moving fucking pianos from the fourth floor and then who give a THREE DOLLAR TIP to the people who just helped them move all their worldly possessions. Fucking bastards. We have their address, what the fuck are they thinking? [BLEEP!]

F Hey, while I agree with the girl that you cannot shit on a toilet seat, I’d just like to say that it’s not my fault that I don’t flush my shit. The toilets at my office will not EAT MY SHIT so I have to stand there for, like, a really long time while the toilet fills back up. And then I try to flush it again and it still doesn’t eat my shit again and then what do you want me to do? Stand in the stall and stare at my shit for 15 minutes while the toilet runs and runs and runs just so I can try to flush again and it doesn’t eat my shit again?! So I end up having to tear out of the bathroom without anybody seeing me. And I just want to say I’m sorry to all the women in the office that I don’t flush my shit—but I do flush, the fucking toilet doesn’t fucking eat my shit! So I’m sorry but that’s just the way it is. So get some proper plumbing and we’ll be flushing our shit all the time. [BLEEP!]

F All those shit rants are so fucking funny. Have you ever been to China? Well, I’ll tell you, I’ve been to China and you know what? People piss and shit in the street. I saw a little kid shit in the street and it was fucking diarrhea. It was SUPER LIQUID and it was welling up all around everywhere, shit running around all over the place, homeless people sleeping with shit all around them. So stop complaining that there’s shit in a toilet bowl. Just pull the lever and flush it down, man. Come on. [BLEEP!]

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