This week: Black cats, a stolen moped, faux-hawked bouncers!

Plus: More toilet discussion!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F In response to the rant about noise music: I could understand why people play noise music, but why does anyone PAY to listen to it? [BLEEP!]

M This rant is about the guy who ranted about noise bands and AIDS Wolf, how people just want to feel artsy and tell their friends about it. I think you’re right, man. Most people are asskissers and I hate them too. And because of that, man, I don’t have that many FRIENDS. But people are just the same everywhere you go, they don’t have a mind of their own. They do like everyone else. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m calling about bouncers with FAUXHAWKS who won’t let you into a bar just because you THREW UP outside. Like, some of us have fucking eating disorders and it’s not our fault. True, I just threw up, but I’m way less drunk than other people in the bar. So I just think all bouncers should know that they’re stupid. [BLEEP!]

M What exactly is a dude who HUSTLES for his money? Just want to know, dude. [BLEEP!]

F Shalom and good evening to you. This is the 12-GAUGE MINX hollering at all my little peeps and my sheeps and my bagging cock-hos and swinging fags. My rant is to the people of the 514 area code, mainly to the geriatric, degenerate fucks who roam the streets on COCAINE. You fags are simply useless. You cannot get it up and when you do, you don’t know what to do with it. You stick it in the wrong hole and then you take it out and then you say, “Well, can I try this hole?” No, you can’t try that hole, stop trying to stick it in my ass, you homosexual fuck. [BLEEP!]

F Regarding drugs on St-Laurent. I had GHB put in my drink a couple of years ago and they had to tear me out of the fucking club to the hospital, okay? Is that what you wanna fuck? A fucking passed out CORPSE? Is that how fucking desperate you are, you motherfucker? Women are not fucking sex objects. Even if they go around like fucking whores, you don’t have to treat them like one. You motherfuckers, man. You fucking sick-ass shits. [BLEEP!]

F I’d like to agree and add to the guy who’s talking about women that don’t flush their shit. Who shits on a toilet seat and doesn’t clean it up? Women in office buildings, how uncivilized are you?! Where did you get your TOILET TRAINING? Are you toilet trained at all?!! And after somebody else cleans it up for you and continues to keep the bathroom clean, you then not only don’t flush your shit again but you shit on the toilet seat again and on the floor and don’t clean it up. I mean, we’re living in a society here that is based on self-cleanliness. You can’t just shit on the fucking toilet seat in a DIGNIFIED office building. We get paid good salaries, people. We have cleaning people that come every night. You shit on the toilet seat, you should be fired! And as for guys leaving the toilet seat up, I think that that should be proportional to how many guys are in the room vs. girls. If there are more guys than girls, then, yes, the toilet seat should stay up. That’s it. Bye. I’m angry. [[BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is to the guy who ranted about the women not flushing after they take a DUMP. That’s because while they’re in the bathroom, they don’t want you to know they just took a dump. So they just cover it and go in the shower and sometimes forget to flush down. Which reminds me of my roommate who I wanted to go down on but, after I saw that, it really turned me off. [BLEEP!]

F This is about the debate of whether you should leave the toilet seat up or down. Basically, the way I see it is, it should be all up or all down. All down, well, it’s cleaner, your cat doesn’t put its paws in it, stuff like that. All up, then the guy doesn’t piss all over the seat. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’d just like to say all these dudes—girls, guys, whatever—of MIXED RACE. Mixed nationality, mothers black, fathers white or vice versa. You are not black! Got it? You’re not. You’re mixed. To call yourself black is a lie. You might as well just call yourself white. You understand? You’re mixed. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this goes out to the guy who stole my beautiful 1983 Peugeot MOPED from my backyard. Congratulations! You could’ve taken everything in my place and I would have been cool with it. But fuck, my moped!? Seriously, now I have nothing to work my moves on the hot hippie chicks in Montreal. Jerk. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for the stupid asshole who hit my BLACK CAT on Saturday night. It’s going to cost me $1,000 in surgery. At least now you’re cursed by a black cat. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, in the movie The Jungle Book, the cartoon or whatever, what is the name of the jaguar or the panther, the BLACK CAT, in the movie? Can somebody please tell me? [BLEEP!]

M Wow, the June 21 to June 27 Rant Line™, really awesome. Great work. Awesome. [BLEEP!]

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