Underpants roommates

Dear Sasha, I was recently infected with genital herpes by an ex-girlfriend. I didn’t mind so much while we were together, since we both had it, but now that I’m single, I find myself unable to even flirt with girls because of it. I doubt there are any girls out there without herpes who wouldn’t mind getting it from some guy they just met. So, I’m unable to put myself into a situation in which I get to know a girl, she likes me, we get to having sex and I have to bring that up.

How am I ever supposed to find a girl willing to have sex with me again? I know there are internet dating sites specifically targeting that kind of thing, but I don’t even find many girls I’m interested in on the main dating sites, so I doubt the herpes dating site has any better of a selection. Do I just have to put up with a life of being turned down until I get lucky enough to find a girl I like who also has herpes? I don’t know what to do. This must be a problem for a lot of other people. What do they do, aside from lying about it, which I’m not willing to do?

—Lonely Herpes Guy

Dear Lonely,

How do I say this without sounding like a total bitch? I can’t, so I’ll be the bitch in pumps and a tight fishtail skirt, and I’ll let sexual-health educator Lyba Spring be the nice lady in the Birkenstocks and rumpled lab coat. First me: All you kids living with the myriad little bastard infections that plague the areas we compulsively hump and wipe on other people? Please get over yourselves. You’re not pariahs, you don’t have to wear scarlet letters and you are not condemned to lives of celibacy.

Really, even if you only ever fucked people with your virus/disease/plague/mark of doom, you’d still be able to bonk more than half the adults in the world, because more than half the adults in the world have underpants roommates. I mean come on, do I need to point out that’s how you got yours in the first place?

If we choose to look at STIs in a more practical, mundane way, genitals are actually flawlessly designed to move germs from one location to another: the skin is clammy and thin, and they require friction to socialize. Even in my most random-order-moments, it’s hard for me to see this as a coincidence, and I bet in the germ world, STIs are considered pretty lucky because all they have to do is lie around until someone pokes them. It’s like working in a whorehouse. And if you want to go even further with this theory, you know, that humans are little more than buses for germs, then you might argue that the whole shame thing is deliberately engineered; the less people are willing to be open and educated about STIs, the easier it is for them to get around.

And now, here’s Lyba with her clipboard of kindness: “Kudos to this guy who understands the importance of telling a potential partner about his herpes.” Lyba also asks about the type of herpes you contracted. Is it HSV-1 or 2? “If he does a blood test to find out if it’s HSV-1, usually spread through oral sex from someone with a history of cold sores, it tends to come back less frequently than HSV-2,” she explains. “It is also harder to pass on genitally than HSV-2. If it’s HSV-2, he can go on suppressive therapy if he has frequent outbreaks. This medication also reduces the risk of transmission. It is expensive but apparently very safe. Condoms do provide some protection (and female condoms even more so) particularly if the outbreak is on a part of his genitals that would be covered.”

“The various groups that assist people with herpes likely have some good ideas about how to ‘tell’ others,” says Lyba. “I know people who have to do the telling. It means a far better communication with someone who may become a steady partner. You find out a lot about a potential partner that way, although understandably, one would prefer to give that particular silver lining a pass.”

Me and Lyba both agree on one thing for sure: a person with herpes is a person first. That’s who potential partners are attracted to, and if they’re not, well, don’t fuck ’em.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM