This week: Double, noise bands, turtleheads!

Plus: Blow back on top!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Do you guys remember the group DOUBLE from the ’80s? We’re trying to get them here in Montreal and they’d like positive feedback. Do you remember “Captain of the Heart?” It was an awesome song! Go on YouTube and check out all videos posted by kumaloo. He would love to hear positive feedback and then they would tour here in Montreal. It would be a great honour and this song is one of a kind. “Captain of the Heart.” Good night. [BLEEP!]

M That rant about AIDS Wolf got me thinking about the noise scene in Montreal. I know all you guys think it’s cool and you think you are REVOLTING against standard song structures, or whatever, but really you are not. All these noise bands sound like crap and everyone knows it, but nobody wants to admit it because they want to appear artsy and different by telling their friends about how they went to see some band at Barfly and they just let their amps feedback for 20 minutes. Or how some asshole was rubbing a boom stick on his guitar. I honestly think I could fart into a microphone and all the noise kids in Montreal would think I’m a musical genius. All I’m saying is you need to draw the line somewhere. Meaningless art is tolerated vandalism. [BLEEP!]

M That’s quite a big chunk of page you dedicated to AIDS Wolf which is probably one of the shittiest bands ever to come out of Montreal. That’s pretty impressive. I guess you guys are fans of AIDS Wolf but, let me tell you, they suck. AIDS Wolf really, really sucks. [BLEEP!]

M [w/French accent] Hey, everybody, go vote for the best independent album of the year at GAMIQ, the Quebec Independent Music Awards. Anglophone artists have to be represented in these awards. Do we want a French invasion? No fucking way, man. Let’s resist and vote at www.gamiq.ca. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m a dude who hustles for his money. I go to Globe all the time and a bottle of Grey Goose is always $180 but on Grand Prix weekend I go and it was $275. I understand GOUGING THE EURO-TRASH and the tourists but you can’t gouge your regular customers. Give people a break. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to all those guys on St-Laurent who can’t get laid. Well, it’s called COCAINE. Yes, cocaine. And you don’t have to use it, no you don’t even have to take a line—you’ve just got to offer it. Of course, it’s a little bit better when you have a little bit of alcohol in your system, so buy the girl a fucking drink. By the way, Rohypnol and GHB? Definitely out of style. Trust me. Chances are much better with a couple of lines. [BLEEP!]

M Do you know what the difference is between a GAMBLER and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four. [[BLEEP!]

M I got two rants for you, man. The first one is about straight guys who want to become friends with gay guys, and go out to clubs with a gay guy so they can look open-minded in front of 450 GIRLS. I just wanted to let you know you’re the lowest piece of scumbag ever. Get your own WING-MAN and get your own flirting techniques. The second point is about straight guys in gay clubs. Quit it, it’s over, it’s done. You have no place there and the girls that are there came there to get a rest from you losers trying to hike up their skirts all the time. So leave us alone. We have three gay clubs, you have 10,000 hetero clubs. All right? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I am sick and tired of you mother-beeps masturbating in bathrooms. I really had to go today and I was shopping and I could not—do you know what it’s like to run around with a TURTLEHEAD poking out? Seriously, go to the Village, go to your house, go somewhere, but stop whacking off in the bathroom. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just hollering for the guy who advised me not to wear jeans that are two sizes too small for me. Thanks a lot, man, you saved my dick. I really appreciate it. [BLEEP!]

F Nah, nah, nah, boys. I ain’t got time to be imagining how big your dick is. Keep your jeans tight. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, I know it’s hot out there but, please, you old men out there with your old men FLABBY BOOBIES, keep your shirt on when you’re biking or doing any activities that require you leaving your house. Keep your freaking shirts on, you’re grossing me out. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I keep hearing women complaining about men who don’t put the toilet seat down after they take a piss. I just have to ask you women: why is it when you take a fucking DUMP but you can’t flush the toilet after? I keep seeing this. Is this fucking a female thing?! Why do women do that?! It’s totally disgusting. It’s a million times more disgusting than just leaving the fucking toilet seat up. Okay? To look at your fucking piece of dump in the toilet—who wants to see that? Stop pretending you’re so fucking sophisticated and so clean and organized compared to men, if you can’t even flush your fucking shit down the toilet! And it’s not just one woman, I’ve seen it fucking too many times! I’ve seen it from young women, and from old women, from girls, from grandmothers. Like you’re a fucking dog, we gotta look at your dog shit? Flush your fucking shit down the toilet, you fucking broads. [BLEEP!]

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