Hell on earth

>> Evan Almighty is a wooden, repetitive
attempt to appeal to the family values set

by MATTHEW HAYS

It’s long been a dilemma for those godless commies who run Hollywood. How do you make family-friendly entertainment for all ages, throw in some biblical references and still make boatloads of cash? It presents a daunting task. And make no mistake about it, after The Passion of the Christ—a film numerous studios passed on and many thought would fail—became hugely successful, the studios smelled money in God.

So here it is: Evan Almighty, a family-friendly feature about a junior congressman (Steve Carell, who is so far above this material) who gets repeat visits from God (played here à la George Burns in the Oh, God movies, by Morgan Freeman) who insists Carell build an ark. Carell dismisses the visits as hallucinations, but after getting numerous signs from above, he realizes he must build that ark. Thanks to breakthroughs in CGI effects, director Tom Shadyac can ramp up the yuks, having Carell followed by a bunch of species of animals—all in twos, of course. Then, when Carell starts to build the ark, there’s a montage of him falling off of things, hitting his finger with a hammer, falling off of more things and then hitting his finger again. It’s even more repetitive than I’m making it sound.

A film like Evan Almighty is so unbelievably, obviously made in an effort to maximize its demographic potential, it’s sort of astonishing that anyone would fall for it, even the most dimwitted of family values types. Everything, from the musical score, the tired comic shtick, the puckish children (Carell has three, just like Noah) and the groan-inducing one-liners, feels cynical and contrived. Honestly, shouldn’t good Christians be protesting a film like this, given that it suggests all God-fearing people are boneheaded, salivating dogs?

Of course, according to Christian mythology (and it is mythology), people who didn’t heed Noah’s warnings to get on board were left behind to drown once the floodwaters arrived. But Evan Almighty, careful not to offend any mindful parents, doesn’t even deliver a half-decent money shot. There’s no payoff here: when the floodwaters arrive—thank the CGI technicians again—no one gets offed! I can’t think of anything less fun than a victimless apocalypse. But here it is.

While languishing in all these jazzy effects, it’s impossible not to be reminded that new technology is causing the studios a great deal of anxiety. What with the Internet and smaller and smaller cameras, people are ripping off movies in greater numbers, threatening precious profits. The studios tell us it’s important to protect intellectual property. But if Evan Almighty is indicative of what it is they’re serving, they deserve to get drowned. A system that produces something this dreary in the name of comedy is not worth saving.

Some would argue we should laud a film like Evan Almighty, a family-friendly movie that offers some innocent laughter and wraps it all up with various well-meaning themes. I’d rather sit through Caligula again.

Evan Almighty opens this Friday, June 22

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