THE LAST JOHN

A Lake City, Washington, man might only have been hoping to live his NFL dreams when he hunkered down for a night of dope, drink and hookers, but by the end of his four-day ordeal, he’s more likely to be asking the question, “How much for a hug?” The unnamed 39-year-old started his weekend drinking beer and smoking pot, then decided to reward himself with a call girl. Post-coitus, he left the woman in his apartment to go get more beer. She said she was going to take a bath. When he returned, she was dead.

Police say the man panicked. He began contemplating the next step, but for a beer-swilling, pot-smoking whoremonger, contemplation can take a while. In this case, four days, during which he kept the woman’s body in a bathtub of cold water to slow its decay. He considered burying the body—and even sneaked out his own window to go dig a grave—but ultimately sought wisdom from his boss, who recommended calling the cops.

Although waterlogged, the body showed no signs of foul play. A toxicology report is pending. It’s expected the man will only be charged with misdemeanour failure to report a death.

by Scott Saxon