This week: Pricey water, tight jeans, Bev Oda!

Plus: Early days of AIDS Wolf remembered!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M I went to see Feist at Olympia and it sucked. First of all, the people at the door don’t even greet you nicely—they should know that if we didn’t buy those tickets, they wouldn’t have a job that night. Hello? They don’t even say hi or anything. All they want to do is check your bags for a bottle of water, then they CONFISCATE it because they want to sell the bottles of water inside. It’s summertime, the A/C is not even on and so we have to buy bottles and bottles of water. That sucks. [BLEEP!]

M I used to work at the Concordia Alumni call centre and there was this guy who worked there, I recall his name was Chris. It was from him that I first ever heard of the band, AIDS Wolf, largely because he was a member and would go ON AND ON AND ON incessantly about AIDS Wolf and all the AIDS Wolf side projects. Now when I see press photos of the band, I can’t see if he’s still there or not. Luckily, I don’t recognize his cock and I don’t think he had tits, so it’s hard to tell with the rest of the basically hair-covered people that are in that band. But I would suggest to AIDS Wolf that if you didn’t already boot him out, which I suspect you did, that you don’t let him do any press for you. Sometimes I’d be sitting there doing my thing and I’d hear yammering on the other side of a cubicle about AIDS Wolf and what song and what gig and who wrote what and how, and when that one jammed with this one and formed that band, as if he was discussing Led Zeppelin 30 years later. He was discussing his own band! And ultimately, 9.9 times out of 10, I’d look around and there’d be, like, a South American exchange student, a girl in American Apparel gear with Madonna on her mp3 player who’d just be looking at this guy with her jaw hanging open, not knowing what the fuck he was talking about. So, you know, I admire the hustle, but I can’t think of a guy who’s rubbed me harder in the wrong way in the Montreal music scene. But no doubt somewhere, wherever he is now, he’s still the number one AIDS Wolf fan. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’m calling about the CSS show at la Tulipe. They were so fucking awesome and I love Lovefoxxx and even Datarock was awesome. But then Busdriver came in and just totally killed the whole show. He’s such an over-indulgent performance artist and I’m just hoping that no one else got turned off by his whole NIGHTMARE VISION of whatever the fuck he’s doing, I have no idea but I’m just saying, dude, next time, don’t come on stage. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I read about how Scrooge McHarper’s little apostle, BEV ODA, Canada’s apparent National Heritage Minister, doesn’t want to give us any money for our festivals. So as a result, we’re not going to get as many delightful porta-potties at our Jazz Festival. I propose we re-name all porta-potties worldwide to Bev Odas. Hey, baby, I’m going to the Bev Oda for a minute. Just a minute, be right back. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. This is Tata and Lala calling to find out if there’s any cherry poppin’ daddies and swingin’ mamas who know where there’s a place to get down and do some swing dancing old-school style mixing with a little bit of new-school here in Montreal. Tell us where, when and how to dress. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m dating a punk girl. She says that the screw-top thing with the blue top capsules is distilled water for shooting heroin [BLEEP!]

M To the ignoramus that thinks that crack still comes in vials. It comes in bags and some of us, we just keep it in our mouths in case the police come. [[BLEEP!]

F Hi. The rant I’m about to leave has been left similarly by other women but I would genuinely like a response from, maybe, a 50–60- year-old man. What possesses you, when you’re driving by a young girl, to slow down and HONK while you’re in an under-shirt, dirty shorts, honk and LEER at them? Is it a lack of self confidence? Is it a dim hope that maybe one of them will go for you for your MONEY? I’d really like an explanation because if I could understand, I’ll stop giving you old fucking guys the finger. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is for all the ladies who like checking out NAKED MEN. I am an exhibitionist and I can’t find anywhere to get off. I want to get naked in front of women who like to see men naked but I don’t know where to go. I don’t want to scare anybody. I don’t want to cause anybody any harm. I just want to show some women my cock and stuff. I just don’t know where to go. Where’s a good place to go? Where should we meet? [BLEEP!]

M Yo, yo, straight up Montreal, tell you what pisses me off. All these motherfuckers wearing some tight pants like they be some spandex shit. Yo, it’s DENIM, son. Don’t be wearing that shit like it’s spandex, hugging your legs and shit! I don’t give a fuck who you are, you don’t wear jeans two sizes smaller than your waist size, you about to cut off circulation to your dick! Holler at your boy when you heard about this shit, get the spandex off. Get the denim on for real, son, get that shit BAGGY and wear a goddamn belt. That’s all, I’m out. [BLEEP!]

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