Fantastic flop

>> Rise of the Silver Surfer is a regrettable adaptation of a solid comic book saga

by MARK SLUTSKY

The saga of Galactus, as it played out in the ’60s run of the Fantastic Four comics, remains one of comicdom’s most awesome, psychedelic and plain weird achievements. As written by Stan Lee and illustrated by Jack Kirby (who also had a big hand in the writing), it’s a totally cosmic head trip involving the heroic Four, an intergalactic planet-devourer (that’d be Galactus), his herald (the Silver Surfer), an omniscient being called The Watcher and a sensitive blind sculptor. The language is magnificently cod-Shakespearean and the art is brilliant and experimental.

So right off the bat, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer has a lot to live up to. Not to mention a lot to live down—namely the first FF movie, which did pretty much everything wrong. And, so, I’m sorry to say, does this one.

We return to our super-team—stretchy-man Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), invisible girl Sue Storm (Jessica Alba), her cocky Human Torch brother Johnny (Chris Evans) and the boulder-like New York Jew, The Thing (Michael Chiklis)—on the eve of Reed and Sue’s wedding. The Silver Surfer’s (Doug Jones) just ridden in from another galaxy, and that means Galactus, him of the whole world-destroying thing, is on his way. Plus, the Surfer’s arrival has somehow resuscitated old baddie Victor Von “Dr.” Doom (Julian McMahon).

Here’s the thing about this movie: The material they have to work with, as I suggested above, is pretty solid. And yet, the filmmakers (director Tim Story returns) seem intent on making it as least awesome as possible. Where as in the comic book Galactus is a speechifying giant with a rad helmet, the movie version is... a big cloud. Whereas the Eastern European Dr. Doom has a cool faceplate and cape in the book, for most of the movie, he’s just a regular-looking guy running around in a stylish jerkin. It’s like they’re intentionally sabotaging themselves.

The movie’s stilted dumbness and goofy gags are honestly the best thing it has going (the action scenes are so-so). Pretty much the only thing it gets right are the jokes involving the characters’ powers; it’d probably be more entertaining as a sitcom, which is the direction

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver
Surfer opens this Friday, June 15

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