This week: Palazzo, ketamine, Yann Martel!!

Plus: The homeless vs. the mentally ill!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F Hi Montreal. I just can’t understand why Yann Martel and Rufus Wainwright are popular. Wainwright’s music and Martel’s writing are boring, severely lacking in EMOTIONAL RESONANCE, commercial and masturbatory. Thank you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M To the lady who was wondering what the cap screw-top things are that she keeps finding on the street. They’re probably CRACK vials so stay away. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the person wondering what the little blue capsule thingys are for. It’s KETAMINE and my apartment is overflowing with them. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, I work in a bar on the Main and I have to go outside to sweep up cigarette butts because people can’t use an ashtray. Oh my God. I’m sorry, I’m disgusted. Use an ashtray, people! So, anyway, I’m sweeping up and one of those GIGANTIC VACUUM CLEANER things just motors by me. Cleans up everywhere else, scoots by me. So, right now, I’ve got issues with the city and I’ve got issues with litterbugs. I’ve been a smoker for fucking 20 years, I never leave a butt on the ground. There are ashtrays available, use them. Otherwise, knock the cherry off, put it in your pocket and then put it in the garbage when you find one. Also, fucking gigantic vacuum cleaner people, like, help us out. God, I’m pissed off right now. And thank you, Rant Line™, for being there for me when I feel so fucked up. [BLEEP!]

F Mumps, measles, tuberculosis—oh my! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, you would think that those that are less fortunate, like the homeless, would have pity for others that were less fortunate, like the mentally ill? But it’s not the case. I’ve seen such ATROCITIES on the street. Why do people abuse those who are the weakest among them? But they do. They take all their food, they steal all their clothes. They abuse them, man. I’ve seen people that are mentally ill getting the hell beat out of them. Seriously, blood everywhere. And they call themselves the homeless? The homeless beat up the mentally ill and they leave scars in the mentally ill’s mind. The mentally ill come down on the streets because the hospitals kick them out and the homeless beat the shit out of them. And you call that justice? And the homeless want to beg from you, saying, “I’m a righteous boy, give me some money, please help me out with my drug habit?” And yet they go on and they beat the shit out of the mentally ill. I don’t have any respect for most of the homeless people in Montreal. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M Motherfucking panhandler has a girlfriend AND a roasted chicken? That is not fair. [BLEEP!]

F I’m currently on short-term disability leave for anxiety and stress, so for the next two weeks I’m gonna be off work GETTING THERAPY. And I find that when I’m on public transit, I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. So Montreal, here’s the thing. Just for a couple weeks while I get it together—I am seeking help so it shouldn’t last too long—could you possibly not look at me? Since you don’t know who I am or what I look like, maybe just not stare at strangers in general? Just for a short period of time. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M The other day I saw a BIRD just standing in the middle of the road, not moving, and a lady stopped her car, got out and actually carried it to the side of the road so that it would be safe. When I see stuff like that, it really gives me hope for humanity and I think we should all learn from her ACT OF KINDNESS. That’s what being a human being is all about. [BLEEP!]

M Again, with the Vancouverite hating. Listen, Montreal, shopping at Urban Outfitters or one of the eight American Apparels doesn’t make you stylish. It makes you boring. [BLEEP!]

M EGGPLANT, new hipster colour? That fits well in Europe. Eggplant is a word for jerks and nerds. [BLEEP!]

M Me and my friend were just talking about how fashion keeps on recycling stuff and now apparently what’s cool is to look white trash, with those skinny jeans and those hideous asses. We were just wondering what’s next— PALAZZO? [BLEEP!]

F Okay, listen to what happened on Saturday. I’m fucking mad bitches, so perk up your ears. Me and my friends were hanging out at the mountain, totally innocent, had a bonfire going like it was a summer camp and then all these gangstalooking mofos come crawling up out of nowhere and they take my friend’s WEED, okay? And they have this knife as if it’s something out of fucking SCARFACE. Like, fuck, this ain’t Scarface, this is the mountain on a Saturday night. We were victims, man, such victims. Oppressive cocksuckers. They took my friend’s weed, they took our beer and, here’s the important bit, they took my phone! You just don’t do that. Take our drugs, take our drinks, ruin our night but do not steal a poor girl’s phone! Anyway, so after getting robbed at the mountain, we all went to Westmount Park and let’s just say that after one too many alcoholic beverages, a certain intoxicated best friend of mine got a little too touchy-touchy with a certain fellow who just happens to have a BODY LIKE A DAD, okay, he has a fucking dad’s body, okay? Have you ever been FINGERED IN THE ASS on a park bench? Have you? You should be. I’m fucking phoneless, bastards. [BLEEP!]

Got an opinion on the local scene?
We want to hear from you!
Call or fax 271-RANT (7268).