The threesome secret

Dear Sasha

Typical couple fantasy but looking for a rare addition. We’re considering an escort agency, as we aren’t swingers doing the “pick-up” thing. Personal ads are not successful; they end up being a tease. Some teasing is not good. Just looking to add another level of intimacy and some fun to our loving marriage with no strings attached or mind games or drama. I am bi and in the past I have had negative results introducing a lover to my husband. And some women don’t like being misled and recruited for a threesome by a sneaky, attached femme. I wouldn’t.

Any advice on how to find/choose/coordinate a third party that isn’t for hire? Are there signals, secret-code handshakes from interested women to look out for? And what can we expect from escorts who do couples? We want a stay at a lovely room with jacuzzi and bubbly and want a third to join, but a timed escort would feel like a quickie. Nothing wrong with quickies, but this is a special dish to be savoured and not medicine to be gulped down.

Dear Mrs.,

Some people think that self-awareness is the key to a fulfilling existence and I am firmly on my way to this belief myself. After all, look at what 30 years of yoga has done for Donna Karan. Here’s a woman who was sued in 2000 by a group of garment workers for years of abysmal labour conditions, yet she claims in this month’s Vanity Fair that “Yoga is a key access to my mind, body and soul. It allows me the ability to look at a bigger picture—one of sharing, giving and making a difference in the world.” Seriously Donna, shamaste?????

So the first thing I want you guys to do is happily and proudly admit you are swingers, or at least have swinger tendencies. Come on kids, a swish hotel room kitted out with bubbly and a jacuzzi and the classic Lifestyle analogy of sex as a dish to be savoured? The only thing missing is the strawberries ‘n’ whipped cream!

Also, you need to take a little responsibility for your bad threesome experiences. If you’re setting up situations where you’re offering the Princess Treatment, well, you’re going to get princesses responding to your advances. Are you really surprised you’ve run into some graceless nitwits who act what they perceive as the part? Add to that the fact that single women are the most sought after merch in the swinging community. You don’t think that’s going to attract a certain type? Don’t get me wrong, I too enjoy treating a girl like gold when she boffs me and my man, but let’s get real. She has a pussy, sure, but she’s not hiding Anne Frank in it. So everyone just chill. And be a little more inventive. I mean, why does it always have to be champagne and hot tubs? Why not absinthe and paintballing?

It’s funny when straight couples begin seeking out a woman for play, how that very hackneyed male mentality takes over and you get people thinking like pick-up artists, in other words, treating the situation like there’s some definitive, mythic solution. There’s no secret code, unless you take the tack that women are by nature insecure and you fuck up their shit by going all hot and cold on them. That’ll land you a peach, for sure.

I think you have two options. You either accept that you have to invest some time in this and really look at your expectations, particularly this: “Just looking to add another level of intimacy and some fun to our loving marriage with no strings attached or mind games or drama.” It strikes me that a lot of people don’t feel they should invest a whole lot of groundwork into a threesome because they’re already devoting that energy to their primary relationship, but if the threesome is supposed to enhance your relationship, don’t you think it deserves some forethought, some vetting?

If you’re unwilling to put the energy in, then a hooker’s the way to go. There’s no denying that fantasies can be costly when you want the magic combo—romance and disconnect—and right now. Cruise the escort pages in your local weekly or online. Many women will not speak directly about their experiences for fear of entrapment, but you can get a sense of their personality and familiarity with group sex with the appropriate euphemisms.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM