This week: Photographers, eggplant, tossed salad!

Plus: Susan Aglukark, Buffy Sainte-Marie, Stompin’ Tom!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M I’m just calling to complain about this new trend of having the photographers take up the first row at small venues. It bugs me when I go see shows that I have to stand behind a bunch of photographers FLASHING away, thinking they’re gonna make money off this stuff and pushing us, the actual music lovers, out of our spot just so they can get that proverbial magical shot. Well, I just want to let them know that making money off photography is dead. Dead. It’s been long dead. Anybody and their mom can get a cheap digital camera that’ll take better shots than whatever the hell they have. So, please, guys, don’t get in front of me at shows. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Rant Line™. Me and my friends here are drinking wine and we’re wondering what are the blue sort of capsule screw-top things that we always see on St-Dominique? We have never seen them in clubs, but we think that they contain a liquid of some sort. But what? Is it GHB? Is it liquid heroin? Can someone tell us, please? [BLEEP!]

M Well, hey, Rant Line™. Some of us hipsters have to be cool sometimes and actually let other people access our knowledge about fashion, so I’m just giving you this out. The new colour is EGGPLANT. Purple. Deep purple. Eggplant. All right? Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Stylish Vancouverites? I think that’s a CONTRADICTION IN WORDS, don’t you? [BLEEP!]

M I got a hard time figuring out what’s more pathetic. The Canadian music scene before, or the Canadian music scene now. I remember way back when watching the Junos and the greatest hope to see something half-cool in the night was if the Tragically Hip would play. Other than that, you had THE LESLIE SPIT TREEO and Red Albino. I can remember watching that native woman, she was a folk singer, I believe her name was Buffy Sainte- Marie. Or maybe there would be a documentary tribute to the talent of Susan Aglukark. It was pathetic but in a sense it was also very Canadian, in a real way. Whereas now, we pat ourselves on the back as a nation for producing the likes of Sam Roberts or k-os. Some of these artists coming out of Canada now are talented and deserve to be heard, but it says something about NATIONAL IDENTITY when we get excited because a handful of Canadians are making a mark in the music world. Was it not good enough to just watch Ear to the Ground and check out what new song Rita MacNeil had out? Why do we have to appear so eager? I think I preferred things back when Stompin’ Tom Connors was the most exciting thing going on in the Canadian music scene. [BLEEP!]

M This is the quote of the day. Aseated intellectual doesn’t go as far as a walking idiot. [BLEEP!]

M Some idiot woman was walking her dog without a leash on an unlighted bike path at 10 o’clock at night. The dog got CREAMED by an oncoming cyclist and I am sick to death that I had to hear that. I had to hear the cries that the poor dog was making and it makes me furious. These people should not even be allowed to reproduce let alone have dogs! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this message is for the slimy fucker that just stole my locked bike from my back balcony while I was inside. I applaud your BRAVERY but if I ever see you, I’m gonna break your fucking nose. [BLEEP!]

F I know this has nothing to do with the local music scene but I’d like to make it known that I hate boyfriends. In fact, I hate COUPLES in general. I especially hate couples who go to parties that I’m invited to and make it a couple-only thing and because I don’t have a boyfriend, I can’t go. And I hate it when best friends ditch me for their boyfriends. Yeah, that’s it. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. What’s up, y’all? I’m from NOVA SCOTIA and I’m sitting here reading the Rant Line™ and there just seems to be a lot of name-calling, insults and animosity. Like, guys and girls, why can’t we just all get along? Come on, y’all. Peace, love and soul. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to all the NORWEIGANS going home this week. You made my year. I’ll see you at Airwaves. Skol! [BLEEP!]

F So what’s up people? Me being a female from nice sunny old QUEBEC, I just gotta say booya to the American Apparel ad on the back of last week’s motherfucking newspaper. Goddamn, I’d toss that girl’s salad, you understand? And I don’t like to eat pussy. I don’t know pussy well enough to eat it, y’understand? I’m a fan of men, but I’d fucking eat this bitch’s ass and make her cum whenever she wanted me to. So, girl, if you see this message, get back on the Rant Line™, leave your fucking digits, your number or something, so I can holler back. Goddamn. [BLEEP!]

F Hi there everyone. Well, I have something on my mind today and I’d like to share it with you. I was wondering if anyone out there knows what causes certain people to have DEEP GROOVES in their tongues, like slashes. In fact, my late father had this but I never knew why. Does anybody out there know the answer? [BLEEP!]

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