This week: Big hair, bees,
hot naked boys with wings!

Plus: Panhandler has excellent day!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M This rant is in memory of Bobby Lee Silcott, the best singer Montreal ever had. Rest in peace, Bobby. [BLEEP!]

F If you go to a show, like, maybe the B.B. King show, and you sit in row G 31-32 and you have enormous frickin’ HAIR and you’re abnormally tall, you probably want to tie it back so you don’t block off the four shorter people behind you with your massive FRO. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m ranting concerning a CD review last week about this so-called Strung Out band. The review was written by Rupert Bottenberg and he called the REAL Southern California Strung Out punk band a JOCKPUNK JOKE, which frankly is ridiculous and not true at all. Obviously, a band calling themselves Strung Out and making fucking violin covers of the Arcade Fire is lame as hell, so anyone who disses the real Strung Out is a moron. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, can anybody tell me what’s up with Centre Fractal? The last time I was there I got busted by the cops and I don’t even know why. I asked the cops why and they said the party’s over because it’s over. What the hell is going on? This is a great venue and the cops are shutting it down for no apparent reason. [BLEEP!]

F Hey yo, peep this shorty. This goes out to the little white bitch talking about all the PLAYAS walking around in playa shirts and playa bling bling. Listen, ho, we just advertising the shit, making sure our shit’s correct, legit, up front, in your face, you know, my shit is out there, I’ll fuck with other bitches, I might fuck with you, I might tell you I love you but you ain’t the only one, ho, I’m a fucking playa so if you wanna get with this, step in line. If not, keep on fucking walking because your ass is gay, you fucking dyke. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling to respond to the person who’s complaining about stylish Vancouverites in Montreal. Like, what the fuck? You need to stop hating and start participating. Next time you go out, put on something other than jeans and a silk screen blazer. Don’t be scared. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, this rant goes out to the girl who hates CONDOMS. Maybe it’s not the condom, maybe it’s your partner who has a small penis! Maybe you should change partners or get your partner to go to a sex shop and get small condoms. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M Tell your boyfriend to take the air out of the tip of the condom before he puts it on! [BLEEP!]

M Ohmigod honey, you want to talk homo-erotic public art? Let’s talk about that statue of King Edward in Phillips Square. In the back of it there is this really HOT NAKED BOY with wings. It is so, so gay. It is the gayest thing in the world. Okay, peace, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, interesting question this WHISTLING thing. I think whistling is a release from depression. You know, [whistles briefly] “Hey, I’m really depressed but it’s okay” [more whistling] or “I really need to get laid [more whistling] but it can wait.” Whistling is a form of expression, kind of like early rap. [Whistles] [BLEEP!]

M Hey Rant Line, this one is for the HIPPIE GIRL who was cycling on Sherbrooke Sunday afternoon at 11 o’clock who rammed into my bicycle. I just want to say to that girl three things. I hope you don’t have a driving licence and I hope you never get one. I want you to know that it cost me 75 bucks to repair my rear wheel. And I hope, you fuckin’ hippie, that you will be more careful driving your bicycle and I hope that you will look in front of you. Thank you, hippie. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, set the controls for the heart of the sun, please. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I just saw a BEE. I’m going to follow it and see where it pollinates so I can mark that food as belonging to me because of the food shortage that’s coming, we’re gonna be fighting over that plant. But if I put my name on it, it’s going to be mine. If you see a bee, follow it. [BLEEP!]

M Summer breeze, the trees, the leaves, summertime is here. So I guess what will happen now is that our usual CIRCLE JERK on Mount Royal will hopefully start up again on Sunday nights after 10 or 11 o’clock by the gazebo. Men and women, all are welcome. Please come. A lot of people. Keep it up, it’s been great the past couple of years. Keep it alive. Thank you, bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, my thing is I just PANHANDLED for about 15 or 20 minutes, made $11—which wasn’t bad. And then I found a bunch of empty bottles that I cashed in for 80 cents. And after that I was standing outside panhandling at the IGA around Sherbrooke and Bleury and a guy wanted to BUY ME A CHICKEN, a whole chicken, a roasted chicken! He bought me a whole roasted chicken! Wow. And not only that but I got to spend the whole rest of the afternoon with my girlfriend which was good too. Take care, guys. Bye. [BLEEP!]

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