Tech-house gasses

by JACK OATMON

Blonde dreadlocks, scraggly dogs that look to be surviving on a diet of roaches and tahini, adults who still seem to think they might someday be able to actually transmogrify into their beloved level-13 paladin Horus Fellatio, complete with Holy Avenger Whip and Fire Thong +2, soccer-obsessed islanders hawking $5 bags of dried oregano, couples respectively sporting yellowing wife-beater tank tops and fading, cut-off Iron Maiden tees that dangerously approach each other in appearance, jugglers, hacky sacks, Rastafarians, magic mushrooms and many other such misguided social phenomena that you thought were cool when you were 14 years old—all things you won’t have to deal with again until next spring.

You might ask, “What onerous boon or mystical benevolence could possibly alleviate from my life these entertaining yet mildly annoying demographics? Could it be that Harper has finally equipped the CSIS special-ops squads with cattle prods and loosed them into our community to avenge the lost morals of our fair city? Did the deadly catfood toxins somehow get leaked into Canada’s soy-milk supply? Are the Grateful Dead doing a summer reunion tour?”

No, dear friends, thankfully no such catastrophe has arrived. The answer is much simpler. The re-opening of Piknic Électronik planned for this Sunday, May 20, means that we won’t have to go to the tam tams again for a whole ’‘nother year. Phew!

And lemme tell you, this summer at Piknic’s gonna be a good one. Not only have the organizers focused on having a different theme every week, featuring everything from dub to house to electro-rock, but if Canadian environment minister John Baird has anything to do with it, this summer promises to be the warmest on record. The opening edition features German minimal house producers Monolake and Pole as well as Slim Jim and Sternreise & Mparadis.

In order to truly appreciate the calming effect of the mellow Piknic vibe, however, you first have to spend the weekend swilling booze and wigging out until 6 in the morning, in order to obtain a suitable hangover to nurse at the park. That in mind, here’s the deal between now and then.

This Friday, May 18, you can catch one of my favourite bands, !!!, alongside Holy Fuck at les Saints for the reasonable price of $15 in advance. Locals Telefauna will be greasing up the speakers. If not that, then hop over to Academy for Kenny Glasgow.

Furthermore, the boys at Diskho have got two solid jams ironed out for the weekend, with killer electro-house by the boomin’ Jesse Rose as well as Mossa and the Bald and the Beautiful at Main Hall on Saturday. Expect that to be a sardine can. Then the crew hits up Stereobar on Sunday night with Mateo Murphy, Jeff Grosse and Matt Diamond, one half of the Bald and the Beautiful. You’ll just have to come down to see just which half…

The Banger of the Week is Feist’s “My Moon My Man,” of which there is a pretty sweet Boys Noize remix floating around. Also take note that Justice’s full-length album, † (that’s right, a crucifix symbol), has been leaked, and it’s everything your little heart has been hoping for. Get it.

If this gonna be that kind o’ party… jack.oatmon@gmail.com