Ballin’!

by RAF KATIGBAK

When he first led me into the woods, he promised that it wouldn’t hurt. I didn’t believe him. Every guy knows that it hurts, at least your first time. I mean, how could it not? There were 20 of us, we came in all shapes and sizes: tall, skinny, short, fat, French, English. In fact, the only thing that we had in common was that we had all answered our host’s very odd, very private Facebook invitation. We were young and nervous; most of us had never done it before.

The forest was beautiful, calm and alive; it was quietly begging us to come in, to have adventures. For the next few hours it was our playground, where anything could happen. As we walked deeper into the brush, we talked nervously about what we were about to do. A few of us had always secretly wanted to do it, but were afraid to tell our girlfriends for fear of what they would think of us. Wasn’t what we were about to do immoral? Didn’t the Bible say love thy neighbour? It was funny that we had chosen that particular Sunday to do it—it was Mother’s Day and most of us were thinking, “My, God, what would Mom think if she knew where I was and what I was doing?”

None of that mattered now. We didn’t care, we were already here, and there was no turning back, even if we wanted to, which we didn’t. We all knew what we were about to do and we just wanted to do it. When we got to the designated area, we split off into pairs. I decided to go with someone I had actually met around town a few times before. He was relaxed, tall, with light hair and cool blue eyes, and a laidback sense of humour, I knew I could trust him.

When it actually started, a few of the alpha males in the group took the reins; the key was finding a good place to hide. “After that,” they said, “just do what you need to do to get it done.” Some disappeared behind a few of the large rocks scattered about, and some found cover in the bushes. My partner and I decided on a cozy enclosure made of fallen logs and branches. It didn’t seem like a natural structure. It was too perfect—somebody had made it specifically for this purpose. The thought was both scary and thrilling.

As if he sensed my hesitation, my partner reassured me. “Don’t worry, you won’t regret it. You’ll be thinking about this for weeks after it’s over.” He was no virgin: His first time was two years ago, and he had done it at least six times in the last year. He was addicted. “Every time my girlfriend is out of town, I come up here. If she found out how often I do it, she’d probably break up with me,” he laughed. “Most of the time I do it with complete strangers, but it’s best coming up here with people you know, you know all their moves and the chemistry really clicks. I think we’re going to be good together,” he patted me on the back. I felt nauseous. “Every guy has different ways of doing it,” he continued, looking around to make sure no one could see us. “Some are really aggressive, they just go out and try and get as many guys as they can, or they blow their entire load on the first guy they see. Some like to take it slow, hang back and wait for other guys to come to them. I’m more of the gung-ho type; I figure that’s what we’re here for, right? I want to get my money’s worth. What about you?”

I couldn’t answer him. I felt a million miles away. “This was a big mistake,” I thought. “Anyways,” he continued, “one thing’s for sure, you never forget your first one.”

He was right. When my first guy made his approach, my heart started beating like crazy and I had a moment of panic: “That’s it,” I thought, “once I do this, I won’t be considered a virgin anymore. Is this what I really want?” Then, as he got closer, my rational mind shut off and instinct took over. I had tunnel vision and the rest of the world melted away. It was just him and me, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. He approached, slowly, cautiously, on all fours. I had him perfectly in my sights, I pulled the trigger. When I saw the yellow dye explode on his shoulder like Jackson Pollack’s first stroke, three words echoed in my head: paintball totally rules.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca