This week: Miracle Fortress, whistling, grave robbery!

Plus: Kraft Dinner directions criticized!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hi. This is a long-time reader, first-time ranter. If in 100 years my kids’ kids are listening to Dennis DeYoung and Eric Lapointe do some bastard son of cheesebag blues and PONCEY prog rock, I’m gonna come back from the grave, line ’em up and smack ’em down. Die, CHOM, die. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I love the new Jonas single. Play it CHOM as much as you want. Fuck that classic rock shit. [BLEEP!]

F To all my mack daddies and all my playas out there and all my gangsta bitches keeping it RUMP ROAST and pork chop. I know I’m a little bit late in the game but I just wanna let you all know that I bought the Justin Timberlake album and I’m freakin’ the fuck out. Amazing beautiful soul. Love, future, sex, sounds, goddamn! [BLEEP!]

M Years ago, I read a Chinese proverb that went something like “when the soul is out of tune, all music jars.” I never really knew what that meant or felt like until my wife died. And now I can’t even listen to music, let alone play it. They say that Charlie Parker, Bird himself, lost the ability to play music near the end of his life. Maybe the end is near, in more ways than one. [[BLEEP!]

M I’m calling to respond to the person hating on the Farm Team. This is Menoza, one of the founding members and producers of the Farm Team, and I’d just like to say that I’m honoured and touched that my music has affected this person’s life so much that they would take time out of their lives to call and hate on me. That’s exactly what’s wrong with the hip hop scene in Montreal—people aren’t working together. Maybe this person wants to tell me exactly what they’re doing in Montreal, because I’m actually doing things. Respect everyone who’s making the music they want to make. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M I’m listening to this Miracle Fortress album and I realize that GRAHAM VAN PELT is the Peter Cetera of Montreal indie rock. [BLEEP!]

M Hold on, hold on, hold on. You mean, somebody out there has really been calling in to see CKUT trying to actually get a career for their freestyle? Oh my God. Wow. [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to thank all the guys in Montreal for picking up on this little PLAYA trend. I see a lot of these guys wearing Playa sweatshirts, Playa shirts, Playa bling bling chains. Thanks for making it easier for us girls to pick up the real losers. I don’t know how many guys would be attracted to a girl wearing a Bitch, Diva or Princess shirt. But when I see a guy wearing a Playa shirt, I’m, like, fuck, you’re gay. Thanks for making it easier to root you out. There’s enough loser guys in this city as it is. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™. This rant is for everyone who’s from Vancouver and moved here and is really, really STYLISH. I see all these ridiculous fashioned-out hipsters walking around, and it turns out that they’re all from Vancouver. I’m not saying Montrealers are not stylish. I’m not against people dressing well. But do they have to do it here? Could they maybe beautify their own city? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this message is for any fucker who steals from the Mont-Royal CEMETERY. If I catch you, motherfucker, you will be six feet underground. Who in the hell would steal something from my father’s gravesite?! If I catch you, you’ll be joining my father six feet underground, you motherfucker. Whether it be woman, man or child, you’re dead. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M Hey there. I’d like to suggest a new Best of Montreal category and it would be the MOST UNINTENTIONALLY HOMO-EROTIC PUBLIC ART for which I would like to nominate the public art on the north face of Maurice Richard arena. It is so gay. [BLEEP!]

F This rant goes out to the condom companies. Please stop making crappy condoms! I am sick of having to FETCH in there with my FINGERS to take it out because it slipped off my PARTNER’S PENIS and I’m sick of condoms snapping. I use condoms because I am not on the pill and I am sick of accidents. Please make proper condoms! [BLEEP!]

F I have the following questions regarding WHISTLING. Yes, that’s right, whistling. The questions are one, why is it almost exclusively something that men do? Number two, why do these men in question feel compelled to always have to whistle over music in depanneurs, drug stores, buses and so on and to do so in a manner that is so loud and strident? [BLEEP!]

M Okay, to the makers of KRAFT DINNER. You are using about a quarter of the back of the box for your Sensible Solutions directions and you’ve removed the microwave directions. Instead, you say “See Kraftdinner.com for microwave prep,” not thinking that people with microwaves might also be people without Internet. And anyways the only real difference between the Sensible Solution and the Classic directions, which are printed underneath, is the skim milk and non-hydrogenated margarine, which could really easily be handled with the word “or,” and then you don’t need that whole other rectangle. So that’s it. [BLEEP!]

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